No Motorcycles is the sixteenth episode of Season 6 and the 123rd episode overall of Malcolm in the Middle. It aired on April 3, 2005.
Synopsis[]
It's Francis' 21st birthday and Hal made a promise to take him on a motorcycle ride on that day, which Lois strictly forbids. Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese are afraid to leave their hose because a bully is waiting outside for them. Piama isn't getting any respect from Lois.
Plot[]
In the cold opening, Reese lays in bed as Dewey comes in with a wet towel and asks Reese to hold it. He then sees the poem he wrote about kittens on the floor and bends down wearing last years shorts to pick it up. Despite flaunting an opportunity to hurt him Reese is unamused and uninterested. In the kitchen Dewey tells his mom that Reese is really sick.
Early on a Saturday morning, Francis and Piama arrive at the house, to celebrate Francis' upcoming 21st birthday the next day, Malcolm claims he hasn't seen his father so excited since he thought Francis turned 21 last year. Piama brings a salad even after being instructed not to bring anything, Lois is fine and merely brings the salad into the kitchen to rewash it. Francis reminds Hal of the promise he had made to be on his 21st birthday. In a flashback, 9-year-old Francis is upset as Hal missed his school play of "Peter Pan" after seeing him leave the house in his costume. Grief-stricken Hal resolves to give Francis anything he wanted, he wishes to go on a motorcycle trip with his father, like Hal had talked about before. Hal is unsure, and reminds Francis it was back when he was in college and how Lois hates motorcycles. Francis persists and Hal agrees to go on his 21st birthday, he wonders how he can get Lois to let him, Hal solemnly swears and seals it in blood that he and Francis will go on a motorcycle trip on the day he turns 21 and nothing on earth can ever undo that promise. In the present, Hal is annoyed at his past self for nailing down his promises so thoroughly.
Meanwhile, Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are organizing their money for Francis' birthday present, they decide to give him the $9 they have between them for a gift. Lois tells the boys that a friend of theirs is outside wanting to play ball, having a bat in his hand. Malcolm asks who, she responds Randy and leaves proud that the boys could make good friends with the right attitude, they now recognize Randy Zane a large student from school who has a violent history. They see he is angry at them and Malcolm accuses Reese, claiming he must've super glued Randy's bike to the train tracks, Reese retaliates with Malcolm firing dog feces in a slingshot and states he must've hit Randy, Malcolm then accuses Dewey, claiming he must have sold Randy some of his "algebra pills". Dewey states it would be easier to figure the culprit out if they didn't all do bad stuff at the same time, Reese had suggested a rotating calendar to resolve it, but neither of them listened. Reese suggests telling Lois but Malcolm reminds him of when Freddy Kruger and Jason Voorhees teamed up. If they tell Lois, Randy will rat them out for their deeds and then they will both be after them. They resolve to stay inside and wait until Randy goes home, when nightfall comes Randy is still outside, Reese thinks he grew, and Dewey wonders why he is smoking two cigarettes, only to realize that they are his eyes.
That night in Hal and Lois' bedroom, Hal attempts to calmly talk Lois into letting him and Francis using motorcycles without having to hide it, but this fails as Lois bursts into a fury as soon as he mentions the words "Harley Davidson", much to his fear. Lois reminds him that those stupid, dangerous, death machines do not exist, which he terrifyingly agrees to.
The next day, Piama comes into the kitchen and sees Lois cooking her famous pasta sauce, Lois tells her how she only makes it for birthdays and acquittal’s, one time it was both. Piama claims how she loves the smell of home cooking and Lois informs her there’s a way to get the smell in her own house too. While folding laundry in the living room, Hal discusses with Francis that the motorcycle rental place is delivering them to a nearby gas station and that he has already packed satchels for them and they will leave at 5:30 to avoid suspicion, Piama then announces Francis' birthday dinner will be at 6:00. Francis feigns being excited about it but Hal tells him to be cool and not arouse any suspicion.
The boys lay in their room as Dewey frustratedly claims that they’ll be stuck inside forever. Malcolm claims Randy will eventually get bored, tired or die of starvation, Reese states they have no idea how long it may take and he realizes he's going crazy since he is reading a book. Dewey decides enough is enough and he can't live in fear anymore so he decides to go outside and see if Randy wants him since he's been beaten before, ignoring his brothers warnings he goes outside and Randy beats him senseless as Malcolm and Reese look on in joy since it's not them. Reese acknowledges that for a little guy, Dewey can really take a hit and realizes he's been going too easy on him.
As Lois and Piama hang a “Happy Birthday” banner for Francis, Dewey comes inside beaten and bruised, hiding his face from the women hanging a banner with a book. When he gets back in the room he admits that it was a harsh beating and he no longer needs to be afraid of Randy anymore. His brothers probe him with questions and he responds with he wasn't who Randy was looking for, and had beaten him up merely as a warm-up, and Randy told him to send out his brother but didn't specify and he will be receiving a large sum of tooth fairy money for Randy knocking out a couple of his teeth.
Setting up for the party Lois tells Hal while frosting the cake that they don't have any pictures from any of Francis' previous parties so he should take lots, Francis then calls his father out the side door. Hal comes outside to find the motorcycles. He and Francis explain to Walt the delivery man they were supposed to go to the gas station. Walt explains that their houses address was the one on the credit card and that he's not insured to touch the motorcycles once they're off the truck, but since they are motorcycles there is nothing stopping them from taking them to the gas station themselves. Once he leaves Dewey comes out and sees the motorcycles so Hal covers his mouth and makes another near impossible promise to Dewey to take him on a rocket ship when he turns 21 if he stays quiet, he briefly questions the bruises he got from Randy but brushes it off as they are in a hurry. Hal absolves to hide them in the garage and come back for them after dinner. Francis has never used a motorcycle, Hal tells him to kick it into neutral so it won't make any noise and follow him. Unfortunately Francis accidentally drives the motorcycle in the door through the living room shocking the two women in the kitchen. Acting on impulse Hal tells him to turn left and gun it before he follows him through grabbing their supplies and telling a furious Lois he'll call her later. They break down the front door and take to the streets.
As Lois cleans up, Malcolm and Reese are ordered to help by putting the door back on and Reese is upset that what would likely be the only time Hal and Francis rode motorcycles through the living room they were hiding under their beds like cowards. Lois is also scrubbing the tire tracks and informs Piama that every stroke strengthens her killing arm. Piama offers to help but Lois tells her to go watch some TV since she would only end up redoing it anyway. At that point Piama finally snaps and tells Lois that no one is as useless as she thinks she is and her primary focus should be on hating her husband and planning revenge not worrying about whether or not she fits in. Lois then realizes how horribly she's been treating Piama and apologizes to her, upon realizing that for the first time the women agree with each other they are unsure of what to do next since they are now in uncharted waters. Lois suggests a drink and Piama happily agrees.
Hal and Francis relax by a lake enjoying a bonfire. Hal tells Francis that tomorrow they are going to the hot springs which is a trip Hal used to take with his friend Roy until he was dragged a quarter mile by a school bus. Hal tells Francis that he should pick battles that are big enough to matter but small enough to win. Hal brings out another surprise for Francis a 21 year old bottle of scotch to share, but Francis informs him that he is sober now after attending A.A. Hal questions why Francis didn't come to him to talk about his alcoholism. Francis claims that he did the right thing since he realized that he had a problem after bottoming out and went to get help and is now six months sober. Hal is clearly hurt and states Francis should've come to him for help, before throwing the scotch into the fire due to the moment being ruined. He then wonders how much else his son has done without his involvement. Asking Francis if he has given him any grandchildren he is unaware of or if he has a boyfriend. Francis apologizes because he wants them to enjoy the trip together but Hal brushes it off and goes to bed. Francis tells him he liked what he said about picking battles, but Hal informs him that he got it off a billboard before falling asleep.
That night, Lois and Piama begin the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law bonding process by drinking wine and destroying their husbands treasured items together. Piama opens one of Francis' gifts, a new watch before smashing it with a hammer, Lois grabs a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP record from Hal's collection and remembered how he almost cried when he found it at a yard sale, before smashing it in half. Piama claims it doesn't seem like enough, Lois reassures her that she herself has to make her husband miserable while also making it a warning to the other three boys. Piama wonders if men ever think about the consequences of their actions Lois claims they never do and is certain that Hal and Francis will not even think of the consequences until five minutes before they have to come home. Piama then questions if no matter how low she sets the bar Francis will always crawl under it, Lois finds it adorable Piama still thinks there is a bar.
In the boys bedroom Malcolm and Reese watch Dewey sleep and and realize how happy he is knowing the terror for him is over. Reese can't stop thinking about the beating and wondering if it will be on the 4th of July and how it will ruin his plans to have pie. Malcolm tells him to calm down and if they wait it out and they can beat this. But Reese decides that enough is enough and resolves to go outside and take his beating from Randy since he is likely who he wants. Malcolm states how illogical his reasoning is but Reese believes that Randy is just getting madder and madder and that the longer he waits the worse the beating will be. Malcolm reminds him that Dewey got beat up even though Randy wasn’t after him and if he goes outside he’ll be beat up even if it’s not him just to send a message to Malcolm and if he just waits he’ll think of a plan. Reese states that he’s not gonna wait any longer for Malcolm to think of a plan he’ll never come up with and he has to live in the real world. Before going outside he stuffs a frying pan in his pants to protect himself. Unfortunately when he gets outside Randy sees the pan and begins beating him with it while Malcolm watches from the window.
At a spa, Francis and Hal are soaking in tubs of mud and Francis doesn't even mind about how many other people left pubic hair in it, Hal is depressed and says nothing. When they get out to get hosed off Francis tries to cheer his dad up since he is enjoying the trip and wants it to end nicely. Hal tells Francis that he is upset because Francis has moved on with his life and no longer needs him anymore since he has gotten married, gone traveling and went to A.A. without informing him wondering if there's any other important events in his life he's missed out on. He is most upset that he missed out on seeing Francis change from a delinquent to a fine young man. Francis understands how Hal feels and tells him that he missed him being there too. After the spa worker tells them they have 5 minutes before their session ends Lois' prediction comes true as they start to think of the negative consequences that will befall them when they get home. Hal tells Francis he's been married for 20 years and he's gotten out of a lot of trouble from it, Francis questions how it could be 20 years if he just turned 21. Hal comes up with a plan by punching Francis in the face and they can tell their wives he was in a motorcycle accident that he learned a lesson from which will make the women right. Francis states Hal's plan is brilliant and tells his son to break his finger and crack it in a specific joint so he can still work the throttle to get home, Francis tells his dad how much he loves him before breaking his finger.
In the bathroom, Reese and Dewey are happy that their torment is finally over and find it freeing Randy still wants Malcolm. They enter the bedroom only to find Malcolm lifting weights claiming that by October he'll be strong enough to beat him. His brothers convince him to be brave and just face Randy since they have school tomorrow and eventually Lois will get involved. Reese claims that Randy is like an earthquake and it is something that will happen whether he likes it or not. Dewey tells him the longer he prolongs the inevitable the worse the beating will be. Reese holds up the frying pan knowing that Randy was holding back when he beat him with it. Malcolm absolves to think up a plan until he solves it. Dewey asks Malcolm to name a time it has ever worked for him. Reminding him how it didn't work 5 years ago when his hamster died and he spent hours giving it CPR until the doctors had to put a shunt in his mouth to to let the sores drain from putting his mouth on the deceased rodent. Reese brings up how it also didn't work with a girl that Malcolm stalked convinced she liked him until she finally maced him. Malcolm realizes they're right and goes to face Randy. Randy is outside the bedroom door, Dewey claims they didn't think Malcolm would be so easy to convince. Randy asks for the redheaded brother but Malcolm tells him there are no redheads in the household Randy realizes he's at the wrong house and asks where an "ass bag" who works with handicap kids is. Malcolm tells him the person he's after is Eddie Jeffers who lives on Comstock. Randy walks away upset knowing he wasted his entire weekend waiting outside the wrong house. Malcolm brags about getting off scot-free to his brothers only for Dewey to lock the door Malcolm now realizing they are going to get revenge on him and promptly do so by pounding him senseless.
At Francis's birthday dinner Lois and Piama are satisfied that they were right and state how nice it is they can all enjoy a nice dinner after going through so much work. All the males at the table (excluding Jamie) all have obtained some form of injury: Dewey, Reese and Malcolm are all bruised from their respective beatings, Francis has a face cast for being punched and Hal has a dislocated finger. Piama asked Francis if he would like more steak and puts it in a blender for him to drink.
Cast[]
- Jane Kaczmarek as Lois
- Bryan Cranston as Hal
- Christopher Masterson as Francis
- Justin Berfield as Reese
- Erik Per Sullivan as Dewey
- Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
Guest Stars[]
Recurring[]
- Emy Coligado as Piama
Cameos[]
- Chase Ellison as Young Francis
- Geoff Meed as Delivery Guy
- Graham Murdoch as Randy
- Carla Jimenez as Attendant
Quotes[]
- Malcolm: Francis and Piama are spending the weekend for Francis' birthday. He's turning 21 tomorrow. I haven't seen dad this excited, since he thought Francis turned 21 last year.
- Dewey: God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
- Malcolm: Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike that you super-glued to the train tracks.
- Reese: We don't know that. You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day. How do you know you didn't hit him?
- Malcolm: [to Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy your algebra pills?
- Dewey: You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't pull this crap at the same time.
- Reese: I suggested a rotating calendar years ago, and you guys ignored me.
- Hal: Hey... Remember before [Francis] was born, and I had that Harley Da—
- Lois: No motorcycles ever!! You do not talk about motorcycles. You do not think, you do not wish, you do not even reminisce about those stupid, idiotic death traps! They do not exist!! MOTORCYCLES DO NOT EXIST!! Say it!!
- Hal: Motorcycles do not exist.
- Lois: What does not exist?
- Hal: I don't know...
- Lois: Good!
- Dewey: Why is he smoking two cigarettes?
- Reese: Those are his eyes.
- Dewey: Wow, those are cool.
- Hal: Listen, do not say a word about this. If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21, I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship. A rocket ship, Dewey. I swear on my life. I swear on everything that is sacred, as God as my witness.
- Dewey: Ow.
- Hal: Oooh, how did you ... I don't care!
- Piama: Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch. That was so nice of you.
- [Piama breaks the watch]
- Lois: This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP. Oh, Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale.
- [Lois smashes the record]
- Piama: It still doesn't seem like enough.
- Lois: Oh, honey, this is just how we get the creative juices flowing. It's tough. You have to make your husband miserable, but I have to make mine miserable and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.
- Piama: Do men ever think about what's gonna happen when they do these stupid things?
- Lois: No, that's what's weird about men. They never do. I guarantee you, these two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
- Piama: So, no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
- Lois: You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.
- Francis: Oh, this mud feels so fantastic, doesn't it? So soothing. I don't even care about the thousands of people that left their pubes in here.
- Randy: No, not him. Where's the red haired brother?
- Malcolm: There is no red haired brother. This is it.
- Randy: Shoot. I have the wrong house. Where's the house with the ass bag who works with handicapped kids?
- Malcolm: Oh, that's Eddie Jeffers! He lives on Comstock.
- [Randy leaves upset realizing he wasted the whole weekend at the wrong house]
- Malcolm: You guys got pounded, and I got off scot-free. Hah! Now whose philosophy looks stupid? You thought I couldn't come up with...
- [Dewey closes the bedroom door and he and Reese approach Malcolm]
- Malcolm: Guys, wait. What if we do this tomorrow? You'll be rested. Take some time first.
Trivia[]
- The title of this episode is also a quote that was repeated many times by Dewey's teacher to David Hanson in the episode Dewey's Special Class.
- Originally, Piama asks Lois why she hates motorcycles so much. She eventually confesses in her refusal to let Hal take Francis for a motorcycle ride and her hate for them. This stemmed from Lois's college years in how her ex-boyfriend, Matt, had got himself a motorcycle, took her out and got reckless. They got into a nasty accident, injured and taken to the hospital. Despite Matt's family paying for both of their surgeries, Lois never fully forgave Matt for endangering their lives with his reckless driving and putting her in the hospital, and dumped him. Since that time, she had been afraid of getting on a motorcycle. This is the reason that Lois banned the boys from having a mini bike in Mini-Bike and Hal from taking Francis on a motorcycle trip. She always keeps in mind the how dangerous being on motorcycles are and the injuries that follow it. The boys happen to hear that conversation and for the first time, they felt terrible over keeping the mini-bike in their childhood and apologize to Lois for not understanding her stance sooner. This like the original ending scene was dropped to reduce screen time.
- Devin Sidell was supposed to return as a younger version of Lois with Jonny Acker playing a young version of Matt.
- Originally, Randy was supposed to be Francis's age and the son of one of the neighbor, Jack, whose motorcycles were stolen by Hal. He only went after the younger boys believing they stole the motorcycles. Like in the earlier scene, Malcolm, Reese and Dewey didn't want to go outside the house out of fear that Randy would beat them up. This leads to an argument between them. It was originally Reese whom was insistent on staying inside due to him being intimidated by Randy's size. However, Dewey argues the longer they stay indoors, the worse it will be for them. When he admits that he saw Hal stealing the motorcycles from Randy's father, Malcolm realizes it could save them. He mentions by letting Randy beat them up, it could convince him that they had nothing to do with the theft. After convincing a reluctant Reese, the boys finally come outside and he beats them up. After beating Malcolm, Reese and Dewey up, he hears the engines of the stolen motorcycles park in front of the house. Hal and Francis dismount and are enjoying themselves. When Randy confronts the boys for letting him beat them up, Malcolm explains they did it to prove their innocence and they had nothing to do with the theft. Dewey reveals that Hal was the real thief and he took the motorcycles. This is proven true when Randy hears Jack screaming for him to come over at once. The two confront Hal and Francis for the theft and beat them senseless.
- In the original ending the next day, everyone is beaten up except Jamie. Lois and Piama cater to the younger boys and give away the gifts to them. They face Hal and Francis and tell their respective husbands off that they hope the two men learned their lessons from this. Francis tells Lois and Piama that he has and he's never riding motorcycles again, nor skipping out on them again. Hal ignores the conversation, secretly blaming Dewey for snitching on him to Randy and Jack in regards to the stolen motorcycles. Lois shouts at Hal, telling him off he better not be blaming Reese, Malcolm and Dewey for his and Francis's screw ups.
- Hal says that he and Lois were married for 20 years, much to the confusion of Francis, who is supposedly 21 years old. He has the right to be confused because according to other episodes, such as Flashback, he was born on their wedding day. This once again proves that Francis is actually a year younger than he believes he is, which his brothers suspected in "Lois' Sister".
- It is entirely possible after Francis was born, Hal and Lois weren't legally married until a year later, or they simply eloped instead of having a traditional wedding. This would explain how Hal never got to read his vows in Dewey's Dog.
- Lois and Piama begin to bond more in this episode. The reason for this is because they were both ditched by their husbands.
- It is revealed that Francis has a drinking problem and turns to Alcoholics Anonymous for help. However, he is just turning 21 in this episode, the legal drinking age in the U.S.
- In the episode A.A, it's revealed that his "drinking problem" was a completely made up story and he doesn't even know what an alcoholic is. A.A is therefore inconsistent with this episode.
- Lois says that Hal and Francis won't even think about the consequences until five minutes before they come home. This turns out to be dead on, as they begin to panic right when it is time for them to return.
- Malcolm mentioned a movie where Freddy Kruger teamed up with Jason Voorhees. This movie was Freddy vs. Jason.
- The book Hal was reading was Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. Its popularity has created many spin off books for all different kinds of people.