Hal's Christmas Gift is the sixth episode of season six of Malcolm in the Middle.
Synopsis[]
The Wilkerson family is at a complete loss of cash when Christmas arrives and so everyone has to make their own homemade presents for each other, without spending any money. When Hal realizes that everyone's gifts are better than what he made, he panics and claims that his gift is far away from home and takes the family on a long drive to absolutely nowhere.
Plot[]
In the cold opening, Reese sits on the couch and bounces a ball off the wall until he accidentally knocks a picture off the wall. Quickly he fixes the frame by gluing down the loose edge and is amused by the name of the artist underneath the painting "Pick-ass-o" before slathering glue over the Picasso painting and concealing it.
Malcolm is sitting in the living room writing "Boring" repeatedly in a notebook as he claims there is nothing exciting about Christmas vacation and wishes he cared about something, so he had something to do. Just then Reese and Dewey come in. They tell Malcolm they found the most fun activity: Riding their bikes through the graveyard with their eyes closed. Dewey explains the highlight was when Reese hit a tombstone and fell into an open grave, with Reese claiming he no longer fears death because of how peaceful it was in the grave. Malcolm informs them that he’s been sitting there bored out of his mind for four hours and is upset that he was excluded believing that they were going out to the garage. He says it’s not a big deal just that his feelings are hurt. Reese and Dewey then tease him about having feelings. Malcolm regrets saying it and states in their house "Feelings" is the F word.
Hal and Lois are strapped for cash as they talk about if they get Reese walkie-talkies with only two channels they can get Dewey a Spider-Man toy that sticks to walls, but Lois claims he can have a regular Spider-Man because they already have enough things that stick to walls. She then realizes that they don’t have a pile for Jamie, Hal attempts to make an excuse that Jamie is too young to know it’s Christmas, but Lois stops him. Hal agrees but is in disbelief that they only have $93 to buy presents for the boys and Lois claims that it's their own fault for not being frugal enough. Hal reminds her they are already very frugal by doing several attempts at money saving such as no electricity Wednesdays, lunch lotteries and family flush. Lois resolves to make four plies for each of the boys until things are made even worse when Francis and Piama call and announce that they've decided to come home for the holiday. Hal asks Lois if they’re going to have six piles, but Lois says five and claims Piama and Jamie can share a budget.
The last straw comes when a woman hits Lois's car at the mall and Lois asks for an apology, but the woman claims she doesn't need to take that tone and she's clearly not hurting her resale value. Lois retaliates by slamming her car door into hers and apologizing as a demonstration. The woman retaliates without an apology making Lois slam her car door into hers until it's dented. This leads to the two of them getting into a car-crashing war with each other until both of their cars are smoking wrecks.
At home, Lois claims she just lost control, and it was like an out of body experience only she was the one going crazy. But she admits she would willingly do it over again and it was almost worth destroying her car. Hal tells her she's lucky there were no cops around, Reese attempts to say something, but she silences him by telling the boys not to make fun since it is her one reckless infraction to their 11,000 altogether. As a result, they are now completely broke and come to a conclusion, they decide that they will have a handmade Christmas where all the gifts will have to be homemade this year therefore making them more thoughtful. Reese claims it to be unfair, but Hal tells them that handmade Christmas gifts will make them appreciate the holidays more and that it’s more than just an orgy of materialism. Malcolm attempts to complain but Hal tells them they're to blame for making their mother into a ticking time bomb and they should be thanking their lucky stars she took her anger out on an innocent bystander instead of them. Seeing that there are no longer any alternatives, the boys reluctantly agree to a handmade Christmas.
On Christmas Day after making a paper Christmas tree and having a Christmas feast of oatmeal and hot dog buns the family has been waiting three hours for Hal to come out of the garage. Reese and Dewey exclude Malcolm from a conversation where they were wondering what nose hairs smell like believing he'd have no interest in the subject. In the garage, Hal makes very mediocre gifts such as free hug coupons, a homemade "Boggle" game using sugar cubes as pieces and popsicle stick figures with photos of the boys' heads glued on.
Hal enters the living room as gifts begin to be distributed. Dewey gives his dad a homemade picture frame with a nice picture of his mother after searching through the attic for a good picture and customized the frame by adding decorations based on their favorite activities impressing them both. Next Reese gives his mom a vast array of jars full of jams and candies he made himself, Lois is impressed, and Hal is in disbelief. Malcolm then gives them both wooden clocks that he made from borrowing tools from shop class and Dewey gives Lois an original sonata he composed for her. Lois says its Hal's turn to give something. Hal realizes how inferior his gifts are, and that the family has made much better gifts than him, so he decides to go for broke ignoring his paper bag of gifts and claims that his present is a hidden surprise. Francis and Piama arrive and join in the hunt. Francis claims how nice it is to be home for the holidays, Piama reminds him he said the house was Satan's trash can, Francis states she misquoted him. The boys can't find any clues until Reese asks if they have to drive to it, on the spot Hal states he guessed the first clue and they all pile into the van singing "Jingle Bells" as Hal looks nervous about what's to come.
As they arrive at the first rest stop, everyone gets out except for Hal and Lois who knows that Hal isn’t being truthful and wonders why he couldn’t have just said twice as good as Disneyland. Hal admits that he lied but that the gifts he made were complete and utter crap. He then asks Lois what she made for the boys, she tells him she made them lanyards and Hal admits it’s still better than what he made. that informs Hal that they don’t even have enough gas in the tank to get home. Hal has thought of that and says they are 40 miles from the point of no return and if he hasn’t come up with a plan by then he will turn the van around. He just asks her not to rat him out. Dewey gets back in the van and asks his mom if where they’re going is really as good as his dad says it is. Lois assures Dewey that he is going to remember this Christmas for a long time because of what his father did.
In the bathroom, Reese states that if his brothers don’t want to race cigarette butts down the urine trough, he’s out of there. Malcolm asks Francis if he can talk to him, as he’s been feeling left out by Reese and Dewey lately. Francis is aware of what he’s talking about and how he wasn’t supposed to know about the beach trip. Malcolm is shocked before Francis asks him to watch where he aims his urine. He explains that he took Reese and Dewey to the beach last summer and how he would’ve invited him too, but he was over at Stevie’s house. Malcolm reminds him that Stevie only lives two blocks away from their house and they have to drive by his house to get to the beach. He questions why this is happening because he’s the brother everyone likes the best. Francis questions that because that he’s the most likable brother. Malcolm clarifies of the brothers still living at home, but Francis informs him that’s Dewey. Malcolm is in disbelief and wonders where he is on the pecking order. Francis claims that he’s not going to stand in a public toilet and rank himself, Dewey, Reese, Jamie and Malcolm in order of popularity, without realizing that he just did.
In the van, Piama asks Hal if they’re getting close with Hal emphasizing to her that she’s not going to trick him into giving away the surprise. Lois lets Hal know he is now five miles from the point of no return. In the back seat, Malcolm tells his brothers that he is aware they don’t talk about feelings often but admits that his are hurt because of how they are systematically excluding him and reminds them of all the other places he doesn’t fit in and it’s upsetting when he has to feel like an outsider in his own home. Francis calls Malcolm a gasbag and says that his feelings aren’t hurt: his ego is bruised. They explain that the reason they exclude him is because of his arrogance and how he always attempts to make himself the center of attention. Francis assures Malcolm that he’s their brother and they love him; they just need a break from him once in a while.
Hal tells everyone that he's going to take them somewhere wonderful and drives around aimlessly looking for somewhere that's as amazing as he claims, open on Christmas Day and is free.
Desperate, Hal calls Francis up saying he needs help with the radio. He asks Francis to lend him $1,800 which he will pay him back over the next six years in monthly payments of $39.50 in order to buy Christmas gifts for his younger brothers, and how he hates to ask him but has officially run out of options. only for Francis to decide to come clean and admits that he doesn't have the money due to having been fired from the ranch following an incident with The Grotto's money and what he previously believed to be an ATM. Lois informs him that they can’t afford to have him and Pama move back in with them. Francis informs her that Piama doesn’t even know about it believing that he’s on vacation. Thus, he’s been acting like the happiest man in the world lately to pull the wool over her eyes. Hal admits he’s a little disappointed in Francis for hiding something from his loved ones and that honesty is the cornerstone of any healthy relationship, oblivious to the hypocrisy present and Lois’ chagrin. Francis apologizes for not being able to help before returning to the back seat. Lois tells Hal they have now reached the point of no return and it’s time to turn around, but Hal decides to go for broke stepping on the gas and pressing on.
After hours of driving, Hal pulls over for gas which he can’t actually get because they have no money left.
Kevin, the gas station owner comes out asking if Hal is okay, which he is much to his own chagrin. Kevin is relieved since he doesn’t have any insurance so once he sweeps up the glass on the floor he’s getting a new pair of wiper blades on the house. Lois comes in and tells Hal his time is up and he'll have to tell the kids the truth. Lois assures him they are good boys and that since they forgave him for sending them to banjo camp, they’ll forgive him for this too, Lois claims she’ll try and share the blame with him but admits that the entire scheme has his fingerprints all over it.
Outside Dewey praises Malcolm for sticking up for them admitting that he’s a pretty good brother after all, Malcolm thanks him before offering him his jacket. Reese claims that he could’ve handled the bikers but given they had Piama and Jamie with them he believes that Malcolm did the right thing. Piama thanks Reese for thinking of them. However, inside Malcolm’s coat pocket Dewey discovers a credit card receipt from a clock store, realizing that Malcolm broke the rules and bought the clocks. Francis questions how he got a credit card. Malcolm explains that he received it in the mail a few weeks ago and the believed that he was an adult after he won a prestigious science award. Reese is upset and reminds Malcolm of the time he glued his eyelids shut, and if he had known about his credit card, they could’ve used it instead of having to call their mom.
However, just as he's about to he learns that Malcolm's gifts weren't home-made after all; he bought them with a credit card he'd kept secret from the family. Stealing it, Hal claims his present is a stay at a ski lodge and the family end up having a nice Christmas after all.
At the lodge, Francis states to Piama that has been their best Christmas ever. Piama tells Francis that she wants him to quit his job at the ranch since he’s been acting so "insanely happy" since leaving the ranch for their vacation and urges him not to return to his job as it will just make him irate again. Francis happily agrees, telling Piama that he will call Otto in the morning to resign and if he objects, he just won’t take no for an answer. Hal asks who wants hot chocolate by the fire to which they all agree. The front desk clerk calls Malcolm’s name and tells him to enjoy his stay. He thanks her, briefly questioning how she knew his name but shrugs it off before heading over to join the others at the fireplace.
Cast[]
- Jane Kaczmarek as Lois
- Bryan Cranston as Hal
- Christopher Masterson as Francis
- Justin Berfield as Reese
- Erik Per Sullivan as Dewey
- Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
Guest Stars[]
Recurring[]
- Emy Coligado as Piama
Cameos[]
- McNally Sagal as Woman
- Christopher Jones as Scary Guy #1
- Stephen Browder as Scary Guy #2
- Jay Edward Anthony as Gas Station Owner
- Cindy Lu as Clerk
Trivia[]
- First appearance of Piama in the season.
- Third Christmas episode. (Christmas, Christmas Trees)
- This episode was re-released in Late 2005.
- The last episode to air in 2004.
- This was by far the lowest Hal ever sunk in the show for stealing Malcolm's credit card.
- Piama says Francis described the house as "Satan's Trashcan" when Francis says he is very happy to be home.
- This episode confirms Francis got fired from the Grotto off-screen. 
- The final appearance of the Grotto as Francis’ room was briefly seen when Francis calls Hal.
- This episode reveals that Hal once sent Malcolm, Reese and Dewey to a banjo camp, which they deeply resented and were resentful to their father for sending them but eventually they forgave him for it.