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Hal Coaches is the sixteenth episode of the third season of Malcolm in the Middle, which was broadcast on March 10, 2002.

Summary[]

Hal decides to coach Dewey's soccer team and turns them into monsters. Meanwhile, when Malcolm and Reese get a computer from their neighbor Ed, they discover his big secret and Reese blackmails him into doing things for him. Malcolm gets addicted to The Virts. In Alaska, Piama kidnaps Lavernia's precious parakeet and demands better treatment for Francis, or else the bird dies. When Francis finds out he must rescue and return the bird before Lavernia finds out

Plot[]

In the cold opening, Malcolm and Reese are too scared to leave their room as they listen to their mother yelling at Dewey. Reese says he’s starving and asks Malcolm to go get them some food, but Malcolm says he’s not going out there with their mom so volatile. Lois is only pretending to yell at Dewey to keep the older boys in their room while reading a book, Hal commends her on a great idea but wishes she had told him sooner because he was hiding outside for a half hour before coming in, Lois says that she saw him.

In the kitchen, Reese and Malcolm dip pretzels in peanut butter until Hal comes in reminding them how they've hounded him and their mother for a computer and tells them he worked out a deal with their neighbor Ed to give them his old computer in exchange for Malcolm helping him set up his new laptop and Reese to plant a garden and build a gazebo for him, they initially complain about how obsolete Ed's old computer is and don't wish to work but Hal informs them about how nothing in life is free, Ed then gives Hal some Foreigner albums in exchange for the boys services, the boys glare at their dad but he says they should be grateful they're getting a computer.

In Alaska, Francis is worked to the bone scrubbing floors for Lavernia, when he gets home he informs Piama that the blood from his knees was tracking behind where he had already scrubbed and after going around in circles she finally let him use dishtowels to stop the bleeding. Piama is appalled by Lavernia's cruelty and thinks someone should cut her belly open with a rusty knife and strangle her with her own entrails because Francis shouldn't be abused by a woman who she believes isn't worthy enough to eat toe jam.

Back at the house, Dewey and Hal come home after a disastrous soccer game and Dewey states he will be hiding under his bed in shame. Hal reassures him that 27-0 doesn't reflect how close the first five minutes of the game were and that Dewey's team won the coin toss. Dewey tells Hal he hates soccer and he wants to quit because both himself and his team are terrible. Hal informs Dewey that he cannot simply quit because they lost a few games, Dewey reminds his dad that the teams coach quit after he had an emotional breakdown over another humiliating loss. Hal, sensing distress decides to take the reins of Dewey's failing soccer team and it'll give them a chance to bond and for Dewey to look back on his experience with his dad as an adult, Dewey refuses once again but Hal firmly tells him he is not quitting the team and he is going to coach the team whether he likes it or not.

In the boys bedroom, Malcolm and Reese now have their own computer and invite Stevie over. He asks what’s on Ed’s hard drive but Reese claims he erased everything. Malcolm thinks he did and although Ed may have deleted all the programs he forgot to format the drive, much to Stevie’s exasperation. Reese suggests going through Ed’s emails but Malcolm wonders how interesting they could be. The emails reveal that Ed to be a neighborhood philanderer, committing adultery with several of the married women in their neighborhood and they are all disgusted after seeing a picture attachment of him and old Mrs. Swanbeck.

At the soccer field Hal attempts to inject some team spirit to motivate the team but is distracted by their rivals the team is scheduled to play the Blackhawks, a rough-and-tumble bunch of lads spurred by a hard-ass of a coach. Hal encourages the Tigers to go out and have fun, which proves fruitless after the Tigers lose to the Blackhawks 48-0 before halftime, causing the referee to declare a mercy rule. Hal is further angered after the Blackhawks gloat over annihilating the Tigers.

Stevie comes into the boys room where Malcolm greets him at the computer. He reminds Malcolm they were supposed to meet at the library, Malcolm apologizes and explains he got distracted by a game on the hard-drive which piques Malcolm's interest. It's called 'The Virts,' and it is a plug-in-the-values program designed to create a cyber-family. Naturally, Malcolm uses his own family as the template and assigns specific negative attributes and situations to everyone except himself, who he gives only maximized positive attributes. Stevie says it’s too bad it doesn’t go higher, but Malcolm calls him a jackass and that he does have social skills. He starts dinner time for his virtual family and notices himself missing and Stevie notices him admiring himself in the mirror, Malcolm says it’s just a phase.

In Ed's backyard, Reese puts the information to good use by confronting Ed for the deal while spreading manure for his garden. Reese lets Ed know after claiming that he gets grounded plenty and he knows how to do grunt work so he suggests "Fixing Mrs. Conlin's garage door" and getting off his back. Ed questions him worriedly and Reese claims he knows everything due to him not erasing everything off his old computer and he claims that Ed is sick for having sex with Mrs. Swanbeck. Ed tells him to keep his voice down and that it wasn't his fault because he tries to be faithful but admits that the women in the neighborhood are desperate and lonely and he can't help himself and although he tries to say no it always leads to a back rub. One of the women named Martha peeks over the fence and asks if she should come over for more private loving but she leaves dejectedly after Ed says he’s busy. Ed begs Reese agrees to keep it quiet between them and he’ll do anything he asks. Realizing he can make Ed his personal servant, Reese says he can work with that.

Later Francis is at work where him and Eric are trying to dispose of a caribou carcass and Eric is distressed since the antlers won't fit down the sink drain. Just then Lavernia pulls Francis away saying that job is too dangerous for someone as valued as him. Francis reminds her she told him she saw tumors with hair smarter than him, she assures him it was just a joke and gives him a new task checking the reception on the TV while ensuring some drinks haven't gone flat. She also says they’ve got other people to do grunt work and a newlywed like him shouldn’t be tiring himself out since his wife wouldn’t like that.

Upon arriving home, as Piama prepares dinner Francis ask Piama what she did to Lavernia, she claims not to know what he’s talking about. Francis states how Lavernia is treating him like a human being and asks what she did to her. Piama claims maybe she turned over a new leaf since sometimes big crappy jerks just realize they need to change their ways. Francis says how Lavernia looked terrified and he’s never seen her terrified of anything. Piama reminds Francis that he’s the man and she’s not gonna fight his battles for him. Francis demands an answer from her but Piama claims that she doesn’t have to do whatever he tells her to do and he might want to reconsider his tone of voice. That sometimes he makes her so mad before showing her skills with a knife cutting vegetables for dinner worrying him.

At the next practice, Hal tries to focus on the positives but they are overshadowed by the Tigers refusal of kicking the ball, trouble finding the right field and one player named Billy who's highlight was using a practice method to run away from a butterfly that almost landed near him. Hal tells the boys that if they want to win they have to act like a team and asks them to think of a team. One boy suggests the X-Men, a team bent on vanquishing evil elicits a genuinely positive response from them. Hal encourages them they are akin to the X-Men and evil has infiltrated their soccer league and they are the only ones who haven't been corrupted. The boys are now determined to stop the evil forces stacked against them as Hal instructs them to work on some kicking drills to hone their skills.

Back at the house, Stevie asks Malcolm if he can stop playing the game for a while and start working on their homework project. Malcolm says he will shortly since in the game he made Lois quit her crappy job and go to law school which is less money but her happiness level went up and how he made Hal quit too and all he’s been doing is working on neighbors cars but his happiness also went up, but still believe they could be happier and decides to send Reese to China. Stevie asks what he’s changing about Malcolm, he says he’s not changing anything about him because he’s fine, but Stevie tells him how he’s burning himself with a cigarette. Malcolm claims it’s just a phase.

In Ed’s backyard as Reese relaxes while Ed brings him a soda and some suntan lotion. Reese is upset since he’s been waiting for the lotion for ten minutes and his skin is starting to freckle. Ed tells Reese his wife gets home soon and he’ll have a hard time telling her why he’s catering to a fifteen year old boy. Reese offers to tell her but Ed fearfully tells him to forget he mentioned it.

Back at the house, Malcolm is fed up with the game and how asinine it is. Stevie thought he liked it but he claims it has idiotic programming since his family has turned out horrible: Lois finished law school and became a Supreme Court Justice, Reese is the king of China and Hal is a millionaire from his chain of auto body shops. Stevie wonders why Malcolm is sneaking scotch from the toilet tank, Malcolm is upset that won’t stop drinking and that he is officially done with the game, but then decides to move them all to Arkansas to become chicken farmers to level out the playing field.

Later at the school, Reese is waiting outside for Ed to pick him up early so he can ditch school until a teacher comes out and assumes Ed is Reese's father. When a case of mistaken-identity lands Ed in the guidance counselor's office, where he must pose as Hal, he gleans enough dirt on Reese to turn the tables to tell Lois about Reese's actions and he won't see daylight for years. Reese threatens to tell his wife about his philandering but Ed questions if Reese is more scared of his mother than he is of his wife. Reese admits defeat, then gives Ed a back rub and is tasked to run a dozen peach roses to Mrs. Malones.

In Alaska, Francis is puzzled by Lavernia's sudden pleasant demeanor towards him. He puts two and two together and deduces that Piama has blackmailed, threatened or done something similar to Lavernia in order to shut off her bitchiness to him. After much deliberation, Piama finally confesses that she has kidnapped Lavernia's beloved parakeet, demanding that she treat her new husband fairly. Francis is upset that she would make such a decision without talking it over with him, and he makes haste to return the bird to its rightful owner. Upon arrival, however, the parakeet has frozen to death during the trip. Francis admits in hindsight he should've put a blanket over the cage. Horrified Francis bolts hysterically from the lodge before the wrath of Lavernia can fall fully upon him.

With Stevie watching over his shoulder, Malcolm is shocked to find that because he spent so much time guiding them, his cyber-family is excelling phenomenally (Lois elected as president, Hal as a millionaire, Reese as a super-stud and Dewey achieving the Papacy). Meanwhile, the cyber-Malcolm becomes an overweight Scotch-guzzling drunk given to self-mutilation. Malcolm admits defeat and no matter what he does to his cyber-family: give them money, take it away, make them ugly or even Canadian, everything works out beautifully for them, and horrible for him. He decides enough is enough and decides to have his cyber-version kill them all. Unfortunately, while getting a knife Malcolm’s cyber-version makes himself a sandwich and instead kills himself before a forklift buries his body in the backyard. Finally fed up, Malcolm opens up the window and shoves the laptop off the desk. He tells Stevie that it means nothing. Afterwards, Stevie points out to Malcolm that it was the game's way of telling him that he should've stopped his cyber version beforehand by trying to fix his behavior, and because of Malcolm's lack of common sense in not balancing out his cyber-version by only giving him all positive traits and no flaws whatsoever, he ended up as a miserly and obese drunkard. Only then, Malcolm realized Stevie was right and he should've known better.

At the soccer field, the Tigers are prepared to face the Gophers until the referee informs them that since the Gophers didn't show up they will be playing the Blackhawks again. Before leaving he whispers to Hal he will call the game again if it gets ugly like it did previously. The boys show concern over facing the brutal Blackhawks again but Hal gives them a pre-game pep-speech. Hal revs up the boys reminding them of their duty to fight evil and emphasizes how evil the Blackhawks are, by telling them the Blackhawks are behind their mothers telling them they can't watch TV for no reason, their teachers giving them homework right when they are leaving school and they got the Christmas presents they didn't get and if it were up to them they wouldn't even have Christmas. This fills the boys with fury and they take the field, however when the referee blows the whistle and instead of beating the Blackhawks at soccer, they simply beat up the Blackhawks. The Tigers jump on the Blackhawks backs, tie them up in the goal net and physically assault them while Dewey rubs one players face in the chalk outline on the field. The referee attempts to blow the whistle but Hal claims he couldn't stop them if he wanted to.

That night Francis informs Piama what happened and although it was hilarious in hindsight, he is terrified of going back to work the next day. But then he remembers Lavernia also has a turtle.

Quotes[]

Ed: What did you say?
Reese: You heard me.
[Ed has just learned about Reese reading his undeleted emails from his affair with the other women.]
Ed: Oh my god, how much do you know?
Reese: Everything. You might want to formulate your megabytes next time you get rid of your old computer. Oh, and by the way, Mrs. Swanbeck? You are sick!
Ed: Keep your voice down. It's not my fault. But the women here are so desperate.

[Dewey furiously rubs one of the Blackhawks face in the fields chalk outline]
Dewey: EAT CHALK EVILDOER!!!
Referee: Oh my god. [Attempts to blow his whistle before being stopped by Hal]
Hal: No, we couldn’t stop them if we wanted to.

[Malcolm is going through Ed's undeleted emails with Reese and Stevie and learns about his affair with half of the women in their neighborhood.]
Malcolm: Here's one from old Mrs. Swanbeck.
Stevie: Open the picture attachment.
[Malcolm opens the picture attachment and he is disgusted along with Reese and Stevie.]

Trivia[]

  • The Virts is a reference to the life simulation video game series The Sims.
  • The soccer playing field was located at the south-western corner of the Van Nuys-Sherman Oaks Baseball Diamonds and Soccer Fields.[1]
  • Ed's garden was located here near this fake road on the premises of the CBS Studio Center. This private location would later be reused several times over the course of MitM, next time in Cliques.[1]
  • Lois only appears in the cold opening, and is absent for the entirety of the episode.
  • The song that plays during the Tigers feud with the Blackhawks was Motivation by Sum 41.
  • When Malcolm plays the Virts, he says “let’s send Reese to China.” In Jessica Stays Over, Reese actually tries to mail himself to China.
  • After this episode first aired on FOX the world broadcast premiere of the "Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones" theatrical trailer was shown.
  • Originally, Malcolm was supposed to blackmail Ed into helping him out in a similar manner Reese has done. This was dropped due to it being too long and Malcolm was instead given a separate storyline.
  • Ironically, the titular storyline of Hal coaching gets the least screentime out of all of them.

References[]

Malcolm in the Middle episodes
Season 1 PilotRed DressHome Alone 4ShameMalcolm BabysitsSleepoverFrancis EscapesKrelboyne PicnicLois VS EvilStock Car RacesFuneralCheerleaderRollerskatesThe Bots and the BeesSmundayWater Park
Season 2 Traffic JamHalloween ApproximatelyLois' BirthdayDinner OutCasinoConventionRobberyTherapyHigh School PlayBullyOld Mrs. OldKrelboyne GirlNew NeighborsHal QuitsThe GrandparentsTraffic TicketSurgeryReese CooksTutoring ReeseBowlingMalcolm vs. ReeseMini-BikeCarnivalEvacuationFlashback
Season 3 HouseboatEmancipationBook ClubMalcolm's GirlfriendCharityHealth ScareChristmasPokerReese's JobLois' MakeoverCompany Picnic (1)Company Picnic (2)Reese DrivesCynthia's BackHal's BirthdayHal CoachesDewey's DogPoker 2Clip ShowJury DutyCliquesMonkey
Season 4 ZooHumilithonFamily ReunionStupid GirlForwards BackwardsForbidden GirlfriendMalcolm Holds His TongueBoys At RanchGrandma SuesIf Boys Were GirlsLong DriveKicked OutStereo StoreHal's FriendGarage SaleAcademic OctathalonClip Show #2Reese's PartyFuture MalcolmBaby Part 1Baby Part 2Day Care
Season 5 VegasWatching The BabyGoodbye KittyThanksgivingMalcolm Films ReeseMalcolm's JobChristmas TreesBlock PartyDirty MagazineHot TubIda's BoyfriendSoftballLois' SisterMalcolm Dates a FamilyReese's ApartmentMalcolm Visits CollegePolly in the MiddleDewey's Special ClassExperimentVictor's Other FamilyReese Joins the Army: Part 1Reese Joins the Army: Part 2
Season 6 Reese Comes HomeBuseys Run AwayStandeePearl HarborKitty's BackHal's Christmas GiftHal SleepwalksLois Battles JamieMalcolm's CarBillboardDewey's OperaLiving WillTiki LoungeIda Loses a LegChad's SleepoverNo MotorcyclesButterfliesIda's DanceMotivational SpeakerStiltsBuseys Take A HostageMrs. Tri-County
Season 7 Burning ManHealth InsuranceReese vs. StevieHalloweenJessica Stays OverSecret BoyfriendBlackoutArmy BuddyMalcolm Defends ReeseMalcolm's MoneyBride of IdaCollege RecruitersMonoHal GrievesA.ALois Strikes BackHal's DentistBomb ShelterStevie in the HospitalCattle CourtMorpGraduation
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