Humilithion is the second episode of season four of Malcolm in the Middle.
Synopsis[]
It's Malcolm's first day of high school, but on the first day, he's already embarrassed by his mom and gets a nickname that'll stick with him for life. Meanwhile, Francis finally has a boss who is kind and accommodating but learns that this comes with its own challenges.
Plot[]
In the opening scene, Francis calls Hal and offers to send home money to help pay bills. Hal however thinks that he is asking for money, telling him they can't send him money. Lois overhears his conversation and claims he should just send him the money just so this conversation can end since they’re running late. Hal tells Francis his mother says it’s okay, but they need to run. After hanging up and on their way out, Francis expresses annoyance over the fundamental misunderstanding.
In the kitchen, Malcolm explains that today is his first day of high school. Unlike everyone else who is bummed, Malcolm is very excited for his first day since now that he's officially done with junior high, he's no longer a Krelboyne anymore. Now he can be whoever he wants to be, and he no longer needs to worry about labels, cliques or who's cool, and he claims the twitch in his eye is an excited twitch not a nervous one.
Lois asks if they can all just eat their breakfast without any more complaining, but Hal is upset that himself and Lois have to do work for the school for the first week. Lois reminds him that they got caught and after ducking down and avoided involvement for twelve years they were bound to get them eventually. Lois and Hal tell Dewey since he'll be coming home from school at 3:00, they're giving him a key to the house to let himself in. He's to come straight home after school and will be alone until his brothers return home 15 minutes later, emphasizing to the older boys not one second longer. Lois tells Dewey they trust him to be responsible and he's now a latchkey kid.
In the van, Lois tells Malcolm if any older kids pick on him to go straight back to his old teacher. Malcolm states he's not going back to Mr. Herkabe for anything, but Lois states that he has a friend in high places since Mr. Herkabe is the new dean of discipline. Malcolm establishes that Mr. Herkabe is not his friend and he's a psychopath and he actually told him that he's been out to get Malcolm since the day they met. Hal wonders what’s wrong with the van since he’s gone 30 miles since the gas light came on the previous night and they’re still going. Reese and Malcolm then make up excuses to let them off so no one can see their parents dropping them off, but Lois tells them not to be silly since they’re all going to the same place. Lois tells Hal to pull over by the cheerleaders, the boys concoct a scheme to escape before the cheerleaders see them.
At the front entrance of the school, Malcolm thanks Reese for his distraction. Reese assures him that the firecracker did all the work and that the good thing about cheerleaders is they stampede easy. Malcolm claims they should get inside before their parents see them, but he is stopped by Mr. Herkabe, who is working at the high school, giving assignments to the helper parents. Mr. Herkabe sarcastically claims now that the golden boy has arrived, they can release the doves. He then addresses Reese and informs him that he has been briefed on his misdeeds and if he tries anything at all he’ll go medieval on his permanent record. Reese isn’t intimidated and asks Mr. Herkabe if he knows what happened to the old dean of discipline.
They both run away as Lois and Hal come over to Mr. Herkabe and Lois states how exciting it is to be there on the first day of school, Mr. Herkabe agrees comparing it to being at a cockfight before they open the cages. Hal asks about if the two-hour parking includes travel time but is ignored. Mr. Herkabe assigns Lois to hand out health forms and Hal to report to the north field. Hal asks if they can do something together, after checking Mr. Herkabe refuses, but states they both must feel better knowing they tried, causing Hal to glare in annoyance at him.
At the Grotto, Francis runs into the stables where a woman is waiting, and he apologizes since they’re shorthanded today and he had to help make breakfast. He introduces her to her horse Sparky and offers her a croissant while she waits. Otto comes in and Francis asks what happened to his co-workers Bill and Andy, Otto informs him they’re on vacation and how Alex and Dan, the two meant to be covering for them Otto allowed them to go on a fishing trip until next Wednesday. Francis tells Otto he thinks it’s wonderful he’s so accommodating but he is being way too nice to the other co-workers by giving them all vacations and time off, meaning that he's the only one who has to do all of the work and reminds him he’s running a business.
Malcolm is disoriented by the map of the school and asking another student for help only merits a scornful response. He runs into his old friends who are very embarrassing and he tries avoiding them in order to keep himself from being bullied like he was in middle school, but he eventually goes over where Lloyd expresses his concern over the confusing maps and Malcolm asks if they could talk quieter not to draw attention to themselves. Stevie claims he’s ready to cry and Kevin is upset that the map is not to scale. Cynthia is excited, but disoriented and they should keep her away from the heavy machinery before cackling loudly as Malcolm slowly backs away. Dabney claims they should’ve taken a dry run of the school last week, but they all ignored him and labeled him an alarmist.
As Lois hands out flyers she tells one girl to button her top since boys like a little mystery she tells another volunteer that she’s having fun and doesn’t know why she avoided it for so long, meanwhile Hal is on the north field trying to pick up fliers blowing in the wind.
With the new schedule going on, Dewey arrives home and gets to spend time alone for a large amount of the day and begins to enjoy his life at home, not having to put up with his annoying brothers and his mean parents.
When Malcolm is in line to get his textbook for the year, he states that although he hasn’t made any new friends yet, he did manage to avoid all his old ones. He says he’ll make it up to them when he becomes popular, but then concludes he won’t and intends to abandon them entirely. Cynthia calls out to Malcolm to inform him of the spot they picked out to eat lunch at but Malcolm turns his back on them. Dabney questions if he heard her but upon seeing that Malcolm is choosing to ignore them on purpose, Stevie wheels away with the rest following behind him. When he receives his textbook, he notices that it has been vandalized with markers, torn out pages in it and is in extremely poor quality. He goes to return it, but the lady who handed it to him has traded places with another, who assumes that he's the one who destroyed it, informing him he can’t return it in such poor condition and if he wants another one, he’ll have to pay 40 dollars for it. He goes to complain to Lois, who is also giving out textbooks for the school. He asks her to inform her how he did nothing wrong, but when he does, Lois notices a stain on his pants and starts cleaning it and complaining about it in front of everyone and drags him off to find some club soda to get it out. His old friends watch, and Stevie says that it's swift justice for ignoring them.
At the house, Dewey starts off his time alone by having conversations with himself at the table and how in his opinion: they should have meatloaf on Mondays instead of Tuesdays to allow an extra day of meatloaf sandwiches. He also believes table should be in front of the TV, the couch should be in front of the refrigerator, there should be hand-me-ups instead of hand-me-downs, kids should be able to steer the car and school should only be four hours a day and be held on top of the building.
At the Grotto, as Francis and Otto make a bed as Francis explains Angela comes back tomorrow so she can cover for Todd on the nature hike, so that way Todd can help in the kitchen which will free up Sonya to do the hayride. Otto agrees that it’s a good plan but Francis senses that he isn’t being truthful and asks if Angela‘s vacation is over. Otto admits that he extended it since it rained for the first two days before asking Francis to kiss his pillow mint. Francis is further annoyed by Otto’s decisions but remains silent.
The next day, Malcolm claims that although yesterday was embarrassing he figured out a plan to make back some ground by being the first freshman with a girlfriend. He was originally going to give it a few weeks until he really liked a girl but decides to just go for it. However upon greeting a girl she calls him “Stain” and soon discovers the entire school has nicknamed him "Stain". Reese runs up and thanks him for making such a colossal fool of himself, no one will notice Reese. As students continue calling him Stain he tries to calm down before blurting out asking the girl if she’ll be his girlfriend, humiliating himself even further.
Lois finishes tacking papers to a bulletin board in perfect order as Hal begins flirting with her. Lois says that although it’s weird being back in high school she’s finding it to be fun too, Hal agrees since it brings back memories. They're interrupted by Mr. Herkabe, who chides Hal asking if he finished cleaning up his assigned task of cleaning up cigarette butts on the football field, while Hal snaps back saying he'll get to it. Mr. Herkabe states that they alone determine how much they get out of any individual experience before Hal repeats his previous statement. As Mr. Herkabe leaves, Hal understands why Malcolm resented his teacher so much calling him “Jerkabe”. Lois says how bad he is as he resumes flirting, Lois says he must be dreaming and to forget the notion of getting intimate since there are too many people around and they’d get caught for sure. She starts backing up saying it wouldn’t be fun or comfortable and there’s no good places to do it. Upon finding an unlocked utility closet Lois pulls him in.
Back at the house Dewey spends his alone time dancing with a broom to "Papa Loves Mambo" by Nat King Cole until Malcolm arrives and he turns the radio off and the TV on before greeting him. Malcolm informs Dewey that he was the fool for believing there was such a thing as kindness and decency in life, since the rest of the students took the first opportunity to judge him and make him feel like an outcast. Dewey simply says "Okay" since he didn't care.
The next day Hal finds Mr. Herkabe at the school and apologizes for any attitude earlier. Mr. Herkabe tells him his apology is noted but not accepted. He refuses and says it’s too late for apologies and expels Hal from his work at the school and forces him off campus before walking off. Hal is furious at his attitude towards him and now wants to get back at him.
In the boys' room, Reese says how refreshing it is to be part of something right from the very beginning and taunts Malcolm over the nickname "Stain" and that it’s classic and how it is one of those rare nicknames that will haunt Malcolm for life because the other students are so perfect in their cruelty. Emphasizing how it’s so iconic it’s already making him forget what his old name is guessing if it’s Monty, Marco and Murgatroyd.
That evening while doing dishes, Hal is upset about his expulsion, declaring Mr. Herkabe a pompous little martinet and his victory won't last. Lois reminds him that he didn’t even want to volunteer in the first place and it’s crazy to be upset about it. But Hal says that since Mr. Herkabe didn’t know that he thinks he won. In the living room, Dewey quietly makes a phone call pretending to be his father, ordering something to be delivered and emphasizing he wants it there off the truck by 3:00 and not a minute later.
Back at the ranch, Francis fills in for the masseuse. As he struggles to set up the table, he talks with the woman staying in the cabin, and his presumed massage client. She enters fully dressed and leaves through the front door, calling out happy anniversary to someone unseen. Francis turns around to see a very obese and hairy man standing behind him. The massage goes well for the client, though Francis is disgusted the whole time.
Dewey enters the garage and uncovers a hidden piano. He opens a book titled "Learn Piano in 15 Minutes a Day" and begins to play Clair de Lune.
Malcolm is sitting at lunch all alone because nobody likes him. His old friends arrive and ask if they can sit down because there’s no other tables. They join him and inform him they know what a rough couple of days but things will get better for him. Stevie announces that they've joined the Chess Club, and he's welcome too and how Lloyd got the position of king, and Dabney is the queen: which is actually the more powerful position. Kevin told them about Malcolm’s opinion on illusion defence and although it raised a few eyebrows, he’s a shoo-in. Malcolm tells them that he doesn't deserve friends like them and apologizes for ignoring them earlier. Although he appreciates the gesture, he doesn't want to drag them down and tells them they're all better off without him. Cynthia tells him to stop sulking and reminds him that he hates everyone else who is either a moron, a creep or a poser in his eyes and wonders why he even cares about other’s opinions. He states that it’s because he’s shallow, he wants to be known as someone likeable in front of the other high schoolers. Lloyd tells him it’s not so bad since it’s only the first week and he has four years of high school left. Malcolm admits defeat and accepts that his three years as a Krelboyne prepared him for four years as a joke. Cynthia tries to assure him he’s not a joke but her point is disproven when two boys walk by calling him “Stainalator” and “Bruce Springstain”
Mr. Herkabe walks along through the school, stopping when he realizes he just walked past Hal, who is mopping the floor; He's decided to return and finish his volunteer work. Mr. Herkabe protests that it was unauthorized mopping, but Hal points out the excellent mopping job he's done and in five minutes he’ll have completed his two hours which will discharge his obligation to the volunteer program. Mr. Herkabe says it's not clean, grabs soil from a nearby potted plant, and starts trailing it on the ground while Hal furiously tries to keep up. He escalates to spilling trash, and Hal smacks him with the mop. He falls, then grabs a nearby mop and the two have a duel, culminating in them arcing two very wet mops toward each other. After, in the principal's office, Mr. Herkabe and Hal sit before the principal and an angry Lois. Mr. Herkabe blames Hal for starting it.
At the ranch, Francis packs away his belongings, preparing to quit. Otto won't listen as he tries to leave, insisting on dragging Francis outside to see something. Francis explains that tomorrow he might end up leading aerobics again, faking his way through a wine tasting seminar or playing the prostitute in the old west stunt show. He explains that the way Otto runs the ranch isn’t being nice, more along the lines of careless and foolish. But Otto drags him outside and presents him with a new truck to replace their broken car. Francis immediately changes his tune and commends Otto as the best boss ever. Otto wishes he could tell him to take a few days off to try it out but the ranch is shorthanded. Francis understands but Otto was just kidding and tells him to take a week off and have fun.
Cynthia approaches Malcolm and suggests joining her yoga class to cheer him up and help center himself. Reese appears and tells Malcolm that Lois is at the school, and she is upset that Hal got in trouble for fighting with Mr. Herkabe. Malcolm then realizes the opportunity before him. He tells Cynthia and Reese he is going to get sent to military school. He takes a hidden spare key on Hal's car and states his plan to crash it into Lois's van. Lloyd states that he doesn’t want to nitpick, but he doesn’t have the right decals on the car. Cynthia emphasizes how crazy it is and it has to be the stupidest thing ever. Malcolm argues that it’s smart, if he crashes the cars: Lois will be so furious with him she’ll send him off to military school like Francis did when he was in high school, and it’ll be paradise for him since he’ll have a fresh start. A crowd of students gather around as Stevie yells out that someone with feet has to stop him, Kevin warns Malcolm that his shirt is caught in the car door and Dabney excitedly asks if he can come with him.
Malcolm reverses the car into position to ram Lois's van. Reese jumps in front of the car in an attempt to stop him stating he'll have to run him over before he moves because he would rather die than be stuck alone with Lois. As Malcolm revs the engine Reese immediately chickens out and runs away. When Cynthia sees this, she loudly tells Malcolm off that if he goes through with his plans, she'll never have sex with him "again". Malcolm is confused on that word, but upon hearing this the students all start to comment on them having sex, and label Cynthia as a slut, start forgetting about Malcolm's stain. Cynthia listens to the crowd's murmurs and grins. Malcolm, though he knows he should be learning a lesson, loves the idea of everyone in school thinking he's had sex. His happiness is short lived as Lois hauls him out of the car and drags him away.
At breakfast the next morning, Reese gives Malcolm his pancakes and he folded his laundry for him to get Malcolm to tell him about having sex with Cynthia. Malcolm tells Reese he isn't going to tell him since it didn't even happen, Reese only asks where it didn't happen. Hal and Lois ask Dewey how he's been doing with his latchkey responsibilities. Dewey claims he's adjusted to them, when Lois announces he no longer has to after she's rearranged her schedule so she can get home earlier. She takes the key away as Hal asks Dewey to help him clean out the garage the upcoming weekend. Dewey realizes he needs to get rid of the piano since his time to himself has come to an end.
Trivia[]
- Malcolm starts going to North High School in this episode.
- His High School set (specifically the inner schoolyard portion) was built on the same site on the CBS Studio Center as his Middle School.[1]
- Exterior shots, especially those involving Herkabe, were shot in front of Ulysses S. Grant High School here.[1]
- In this episode, Dewey is shown to be a musical prodigy, which would become a recurring theme in the series.
- This is Cynthia's last appearance in the series. It is possible that she transferred schools after she ruined her reputation for Malcolm by being branded a slut by the entire population of students at North High.
- The song that plays while Dewey is dancing with the broom was "Papa Loves Mambo" by Nat King Cole.
- The song that Dewey plays on the piano is "Clair De Lune".
- This episode deviates from the fact that, mostly, the cold openings have nothing to do with the episode they introduce or in fact any other episode. In this case however, Francis has just started working at the Ranch which is in keeping with the events of the last and current episode.
- This was the third time overall. Previously this occurred in Emancipation and Traffic Jam. Later episodes are Day Care, Reese Joins the Army: Part 2, Reese Comes Home and finally College Recruiters.
- Piama is absent in this episode.
Errors[]
- Cynthia's breasts are nowhere near as big as they were shown to be in Cynthia's Back, proving that to have been faked.
- Malcolm had strapped on the seat belt when he got into the car to execute his plan, but despite that, Lois still pulled him out of the car while Malcolm's seat belt was still buckled.
- There is a sound of a door opening just before Lois pulls Malcolm from the car, but the widescreen shows the door was open for the entire shot.
- If Malcolm had been grounded by Lois for attempting to crash his father’s car, then he never would’ve been allowed to have pancakes for breakfast the next morning.