Long Drive is the eleventh episode of season four of Malcolm in the Middle.
Synopsis[]
Lois takes Malcolm on a long drive and talks about sex the whole time. Francis accidentally blows up Otto's favorite cow. Dewey accidentally starts a war between Hal and his friends before their show starts. Reese smack talks a man who is in jail and up for parole.
Plot[]
In the cold opening Malcolm and Reese find themselves locked out of the house Reese is in disbelief because Lois will not be home until 6:00. Malcolm gets out a rock with a hide-a-key in it but Reese simply smashes the window with the rock to unlock the door claiming that the credit card thing takes hours.
At the house, Hal asks Lois why she's taking her pillow to her sister's house, Lois wants to be comfortable since she has no idea how long she'll be there, Hal wonders what he is supposed to sniff while she's gone, earning a head shake of disapproval from her. Malcolm explains that Lois' doctor is making her move in with Susan for a while to prepare for the baby's arrival, and Hal is gradually adjusting since now he goes out to the garage to cry. Lois lectures the boys on not using coasters for their drinks and it's exactly the reason why she has to move out and continually reasons that every infraction is "killing the baby" including running through the house, destroy furniture or fighting with each other. Hal reminds Lois that the doctor says she needs to avoid stress which she claims is precisely the reason. Malcolm asks her to stop using the "killing the baby" card as the imagery is making them all uncomfortable. Lois ends by saying that the excuse should persuade them into better behavior while she's gone, the boys apologize and leave to their bedroom.
In their room they celebrate that Lois is leaving. Malcolm reminds them that they just need to keep it up for a few more days she'll be gone and they can laugh all they want as she's backing out of the driveway. Dewey questions whether or not they really are killing the baby, Malcolm sees it as nothing more than a ploy since a week before Dewey was born Reese and himself tied their playpen to the back of Lois' car and followed her to work. Reese claims she is just saying that to compensate for the fact that they literally drove her from the house and soon they'll be in charge.
At the Grotto, Otto is admiring his beloved cow Helga asking her if she’d like to try some cheese. Francis enters and Otto asks if he's seen Helga's favourite squeaky toy that looks like a fire hydrant, he says he hasn't but did find the new branding iron reminding him that all of the cattle need to be branded and dewormed. Otto tries to hide it to avoid making Helga nervous because the last time Helga was frightened by a scary campfire story she had to sleep between him and Gretchen for a week, confusing Francis.
Hal, Abe, Brian, Trey, Steve and Malik have all formed a band and are playing The Kingston Trio's "Greenback Dollar". Steve compliments Abe on an elbow movement he made and wonders how he came up with it, Abe says it was on a whim and he was in the zone. Hal announces that he booked them a gig at the Elk's Club founders dinner. Trey is in disbelief because they haven't taken a new act in years and it's actually easier to get on the waiting list for a new heart. Hal explains at the gas station he saw the current act Eddie Eigen and while trying to say hello he slipped on an oil stain. Hal said it was as if God himself backed a minivan over Eddie's ventriloquist hand, Eddie used Hal's cell phone to cancel his performance and shortly after Hal pressed redial and booked them the gig.
At Nicki's house she is arguing with her father about seeing Malcolm while he hides in the closet. Malcolm claims that Nicki is a good liar and wonders whether or not it's a good thing. Nicki tells him that her father is a jerk for making them hang out in closets before making out. Malcolm tells her they can hang out at his house after school once Lois leaves, Nicki agrees since she can't get away with anything at her own house.
At home, Malcolm is reprimanded by his parents for seeing Nicki instead of picking Dewey up from school like he had promised. Dewey’s face is covered in bee stings after some incident involving rocks and a beehive. Malcolm lies that he was at the library and he wasn't seeing her but Lois doesn't believe him and he is simply digging a tiny little grave for the baby every time he lies. Reese runs inside frantically and attempts to compliment Lois but sirens are heard outside, both parents are used to the routine by now and Lois says she'll put on some coffee and Hal tells her it's an officer they know named Henson who likes decaf.
In the parents bedroom they discuss "A Day in Prison" program that was suggested by the police after Reese's latest infraction. Hal is skeptical since it sounds so scary but Lois tells him that it's precisely the point: Reese goes to prison for the day where a bunch of criminals scream at him, which will frighten him enough to behave and he will come home good. Lois refuses to move in with Susan and leave Hal all alone with Reese being a delinquent. Hal agrees to it after he learns from the brochure that the program includes a snack.
At the Grotto while deworming the cattle, another ranch hand named Ray asks Francis how the deworming process is going, he states he's making progress despite the fumes being near unbearable. He then gets ready to brand Helga but Ray realizes that he forgot to brand Helga and the other cattle before starting the deworming process, Francis wonders what the difference is until the hot branding iron causes the flammable cattle deworming liquid to ignite and Helga explodes, killing her. Ray tells Francis that was the primary difference.
At the Elk Club, the Gentleman Callers and Dewey arrive and Abe says in three hours they'll be preforming on that stage and Trey says the dessert slot is the best. Hal tells Dewey to sit quietly at one of the tables since he has to focus on the performance. Dewey finds it unfair and wonders why he couldn't go snowboarding with Reese, Hal tells him that Reese isn't snowboarding that it was just a lie and Reese is in jail, Dewey is excited until he learns only for a few hours.
At the prison, the warden tells Reese and a group of other boys his age since there was no contraband found on them they are now ready to meet the inmates. They are introduced to a large muscular inmate named Samuel who's crime is against the law to mention to minors. Once Samuel is uncuffed he starts by telling the boys that he owns them and they are his property and he lets them all know that he doesn't take very good care of his things. He loudly orders another boy to stand up and turn around like a top which the terrified boy blindly obeys. He further explains that in prison you have to make your own fun and when kids like them get thrown in the slammer it is like Christmas to him and if they displease him he will not hesitate to wring their necks until their eyeballs bulge out of their heads and he pops them with a fork earning a chuckle from Reese. Samuel asks if Reese thinks that was funny but he assumes he was trying to be funny, since Reese volunteered he tells him how his first day in prison will play out, after hearing how it will be Samuel emphasizes not to expect any flowers afterwards.
At the house, Lois is at the car yelling out the to Malcolm they need to get going. Over the phone, Malcolm tells Nicki that he’s going to help his mom drop off the first load of her stuff at his aunts house and the trip there and back should be about three hours but once he gets back, he’ll sneak over. Lois calls out to him again and he hangs up and comes outside. She asks him what was keeping him and he lies telling her he was finishing up his homework, but she doesn’t believe him.
At the Elk Club, the Gentleman Callers rehearse their performance of the song “M.T.A.” by the Kingston Trio. Afterwards, Hal asks Dewey what he thought of the performance, Dewey says he liked how cool they moved their bodies around but questions why Hal is always in the back. Hal says it’s that’s not important because it’s about what’s best for the group. Dewey agrees but wonders why it’s best for the group to put him in the back, which makes Hal question why himself.
In the car, Lois tells Malcolm they’ve got a three hour drive and how they don’t get to be alone that often anymore with just the two of them and she’s been wanting to talk to him. Malcolm wonders what she wants to talk about for three hours, and she tells him they are going to discuss sex. Malcolm attempts to escape but Lois locks the door.
He begs her not to do this but she reminds him that in a few days she’ll be gone for a very long time and she needs to know that he’ll be okay since she knows about him and Nicki. Malcolm lies that he’s not seeing Nicki, and how he’s not having sex and is aware of protection. But Lois informs him there’s more to being sexually responsible than what they teach him in health class, and it’s very different when you’re experiencing it yourself. He begs her to stop and he’ll do anything just don’t have the conversation with him. But she tells him it’s going to happen whether he likes it or not. Lois wonders if he thinks she’s gonna like the embarrassment they’re gonna be feeling for the next two hours, but that she has no choice and she can’t be there when he’s having sex much to disgust. She says she’s going to give him the benefit of her experience by burying him with all the information she has and is unsure of what will be helpful or what won’t so she plans to tell him everything. Malcolm is mortified but Lois informs him that the sooner they start, the sooner they’ll finish and starts off by explaining the role that the diaphragm plays.
Back at the Grotto, Ray tells Francis that Otto keeps asking him where Helga is and he’s running out of excuses and he needs to tell him what happened. Francis is working up the courage to tell Otto as Ray reminds him Helga was just a cow, but Francis reminds him she was in his will. The Grotto's head chef Arnold comes out and thanks Francis for accidentally killing Helga and letting him create a culinary masterpiece with unique cuts of beef and makes a joke about the smoky flavour. Francis thanks Arnold for the joke and tells him that Ray's dad has a week to live and maybe he can do ten minutes on him as well. Otto asks Francis if he's seen Helga and Francis fights the urge to tell Otto that the steak he is eating is Helga and is more off-put by his praise of the tenderness of the steak. Otto wonders if Helga ran away and believes she may be upset with him and admits he should've been there when he branded her for moral support. Otto once again praises the tenderness and moisture steak and insists Francis tries some. Otto snaps himself out of it realizing he’s stuffing himself while Helga is out lost alone and scared. He decides to go search for Helga even if it takes all night, Francis almost brings himself to tell him but after Otto asks him to pass the béarnaise sauce he backs out and promises to help him look.
Back at the jail, Samuel tells the boys that all the crap they pull will get them sent to jail. Reese zones out and when Samuel asks if he’s paying attention he realizes he’s not and begins to taunt Samuel, unphased by all the threats he is making once he realizes that Samuel is in prison for life and he has no reason to be afraid of him. Samuel tells him that the way he keeps breaking rules will get him sent to the exact same prison. Reese tells Samuel that his breath stinks and he might wanna get someone to smuggle some mouthwash and a cake for him. Samuel tells Reese what happened to the last guy who made fun of him. They found just enough of his body to convict him. Reese sarcastically says how scared he is and wonders what he’ll do, stretch his arms out the bars 70 miles to his house earning a chuckle from the other boys.
Back in the car, Lois tells Malcolm that if the sperm doesn’t take the uterine wall, sloughs off cells, which is what creates a woman’s period. she says that women become very emotional but if you make the mistake of pointing it out then you create two problems.
Back at the Elk Club, as Malik does vocal warm-ups. Abe hopes he doesn’t get too nervous since Kitty bought him a new antiperspirant which he doesn’t have much confidence in. Hal points out to Abe that no one will even notice if he sweats since he’s in the back for every song and frankly doesn’t find it fair. Abe assures him they all agreed on the choreography and wonders where his anger is coming from house says it’s coming from the back where he always is. Dewey tells Malik he has a nice voice and questions why he never sings lead. He says it’s because Trey told him he sounds a little throaty in his upper register. Dewey asks Trey if he’s the leader, but he says there is no leader since they all make their decisions as a group. Steve brings up that he didn’t remember a group vote on the sweaters they’re wearing, but Trey argues back they all agreed on the sweaters. Brian affirms that he likes them but Steve isn’t convinced since Brian’s brother-in-law who was the only reason he was in the group picked out ugly sweaters. Steve asks Dewey his opinion on the sweaters and he says he likes them because they’re funny and after hearing that Steve is distressed that they’ll look ridiculous that night. Hal says it won’t matter how ridiculous he looks since no one will even see him in the back. Abe interrupts stating that they should spend more time worrying about their voices and less about their sweaters. Malik wonders if Abe is criticizing his singing which Abe confirms since he can’t say his name without changing keys. Steve thinks Malik sings beautifully but Abe says he only thinks so because he’s tone-deaf, Steve retaliates by telling Abe that at least when he dances it doesn’t look like he hooked his butt up to a paint mixer. As they argue and each of them refuse to perform, Dewey sits at the table unaware of the unnecessary tension he created between the Gentleman Callers.
At the Grotto, Otto starts to lose hope and that they’ll never find Helga and it’s all his fault. Francis can no longer contain his guilt and tells Otto that it’s his fault and that there was a tragic branding accident, and he killed Helga, fed her to him and he couldn’t be more sorry. Otto is confused but Francis continues that Helga is dead and gone, and doesn’t think she suffered due to her death being so sudden. Francis apologizes and says how he wanted to tell him the truth from the beginning, but he couldn’t bring himself to. He tells Otto that he’s the only boss he’s ever had in his life that he actually liked, and he’s the only one he’s lied to because he’s the only one who’s feelings he cared about hurting. Otto thanks Francis for telling him the truth, he tells Otto he understands if he wants to fire him, but Otto forgives him understanding that it was an accident and thinks it would be best if they put it behind them. Francis is relieved and says that he doesn’t deserve a boss as compassionate as Otto. As they start to head home Otto brings up an expression he used that he’s unfamiliar with, not understanding that when Francis told him he “fed her to you” he had meant it literally.
Back in the car, Lois tells Malcolm about how sensitive a certain genital is and how a little bit goes a long way. This eventuality leads to them pulling over as Malcolm gets out to vomit. Lois resumes the conversation and tells him that on the night she lost her virginity she learned an important lesson about relationships and trust and how ones body can be telling you to do something.
On the bus, the officer tells the group of boys that because of Samuel's participation in the program, he is going to be getting parole next week. Samuel mouths threats at Reese from the window of his cell as Reese sticks his head out the window, yelling that Samuel will never will be able to find him even if he gets out, unaware that the school name and district are written on the side of the bus visible to Samuel. Reese says what a jackass he is.
Back on the road, Lois explains how some people hop from one person to another trying to get some form of validation all through college and their 20’s having all sorts of casual encounters sometimes convincing themselves that the relationship is serious because the sex is so great. Malcolm asked her to stop, and asks what she meant by validation and what are they validating. She explains that sometimes people will attract other people just prove to themselves that they’re likeable and if that’s the reason you’re having sex with someone you can cause a lot of damage. Malcolm says that if you want to have sex with someone if it means that you really like them. But Lois says that’s exactly the trap people fall into.
Back at the Elk Club, as a pair of young performers do a polka routine all of the Gentlemen Callers sit at separate tables in the dining room. After they finish Dewey commends them on their dance before asking why the boy doesn’t dance as fast as the girl unknowingly starting another argument between them. Hal goes over to Abe and apologizes
In the car, Lois says that sometimes after a fight you feel closer to your partner than if you’re getting along. Malcolm wonders if he can ask something else after admitting the truth about him still seeing Nicki, sometimes when they’re together he gets the feeling she wants to be doing something else but since he doesn’t know what it is he tries to guess. Lois says it’s not a good thing as Malcolm feels like he did something bad when he was only trying to help and wonders what he is supposed to do. It is revealed that although Lois and Malcolm have arrived back home from Susan’s house, they choose to stay in the car for the night so they can continue their conversation in the driveway.
Cast[]
Kenneth Mars as Otto
Gary Anthony Williams as Abe
Jonathan Craig as Steve
Dan Martin as Malik
Alex Morris as Trey
Edward James Gage as Brian
Laster Speight as Samuel
Frankie J. Allison as Jack
Mike Randleman as Ray
Tom A. McCleister as Arnold
Reagan Dale Neis as Nicki
David A. Kimball as M.C.
Quotes[]
- Dewey: There were rock, there was a beehive, but where were you?
- Dewey: Why do I have to be here? Why couldn't I go snowboarding with Reese?
- Hal: Reese isn't snowboarding. That was just a lie Mommy and Daddy told. Reese is in jail.
- Dewey (happily): For how long?
- Hal: A few hours.
- Dewey (disappointed): Oh.
- Hal: So, what'd you think, Dewey?
- Dewey: It's cool. it's fun the way you guys move.
- Hal: Yeah.
- Dewey: How come you're always in the back?
- Hal: I'm not always in the ... Will, even if I am, it's not about where anyone is. It's about what's best for the group.
- Dewey: Okay. Why's it best for the group to put you in the back?
- (Hal stops in his tracks, put into a state of shock)
Trivia[]
- The songs “Charlie in the M.T.A.” and “Greenback Dollar”, both songs by The Kingston Trio are sung by Hal's band, "The Gentleman Callers" in this episode.
- This is the second time a member of the family has been attacked by bees after “The Bots and The Bees”.
- In this episode, it is implied that Malcolm has been sexually active with Nicki.
- It can also be inferred that Hal was the one responsible for running over Eddie's ventriloquist hand.