Malcolm Visits College is the sixteenth episode of Season 5 and the 101st episode overall of Malcolm in the Middle. It broadcasted on March 28, 2004.
Plot[]
Malcolm decides to visit college and tells Lois he doesn't want her to come. She refuses and insists on being there regardless. Right away, she locks horns with the power-hungry dorm head, Leland.
Synopsis[]
In the cold opening Lois puts a grapefruit in the fridge and announces to the family there will be no more junk food and from now on they will eat healthy. The grapefruit has spoiled when Malcolm pushes it aside for a slice of pizza, it is further expired when Reese ignores it for a soda instead and is ignored by Dewey in favor of a slice of cake because the grapefruit no longer looks edible. Hal is the one who eventually selects the grapefruit but assumes it is a brownie due to it no longer looking like a grapefruit unaware of the unpleasant surprise taste awaiting him.
At North high school, Malcolm explains that he has his first college visit coming up and how he will get to stay overnight in a dorm, tour the campus and spend eighteen hours pretending his family doesn’t exist and is so excited he skipped all the way to school. He admits that he should’ve stopped once he passed the football field but doesn’t care. His body may have been stuffed into a trash can but in his mind, he was taking a shower with a college chick.
He then sees Reese who it talking to a group of girls at a table telling them there are plenty of good reasons to go out with him. Such as upsetting their dads, making their boyfriends jealous or maybe because they hate themselves or have a sick curiosity. Reese announces that he can’t do the work for them before leaving the table. He approaches Malcolm and says he thought he at least had a chance with the fat ride. Malcolm asks if he actually called her that, but Reese says he didn’t make her fat.
Reese then sees another cute girl sitting at a nearby table and asks Malcolm who she is. He says her name is Christie and she’s the school’s new narc, Reese asks what happened to the old narc Druggie Dougie. Malcolm states he left when he got served divorce papers in health class. Reese is in disbelief that she’s a narc since she’s so cute. Christie asks everyone walking by her if they’ve got papers. Malcolm asks him if he even knows anyone who does drugs, Reese wonders why he’s asking him since he doesn’t have any friends, but sometimes he does have brilliant ideas before approaching Christie. Malcolm asks what he’s doing with Reese informing him that he lives in a world of “what the hells”. He pretends to be high in front of Christie but after seeing her giving him a weird look, he says, “never mind” and walks away. However, Christie is intrigued by Reese and gets up to follow him.
At the house that evening, Malcolm is furious that Lois will be driving him. He says that she can’t do this to him and points out that Hal is supposed to take him, and she can stay home. However, Lois refuses to hear any of it and insists on going to ensure that he doesn’t do anything stupid, and she can take a little bit of the pressure off of him. Behind her Hal silently mouths to Malcolm how sorry he is that he couldn’t convince her otherwise. Reese then realizes that his parents are looking at colleges for Malcolm and not for him. He reminds them that he’s a year older than Malcolm and wonders why they’re not doing it for him. Hal attempts to come up with an excuse, but Reese laughs saying he was just screwing with them and knows too well that he’d never survive college and it’d be a waste of money to send him. Lois calls out to Dewey that dinner is ready, but receives no response. She shrugs it off and guesses he’ll be eating it cold again.
Dewey is at a piano store playing the “Can Can” dance song effortlessly on the piano showing a genuine talent for it, but before he can finish a salesman pulls him away. He furiously informs him that the pianos are for display only and he’s wearing out the keys. Dewey runs to the piano and finishes the last note of the song just to spite the salesman before running out of the store.
Back at home, Hal tells Dewey he is not buying him a piano and he’s never even had lessons. Dewey claims he doesn’t need lessons and that he’s a naturally gifted pianist demonstrating on the arm of the couch. Hal informs Dewey they can’t afford a piano and wonders if he knows that his company is so close to going out of business that the CEOs have been selling their furniture and forcing the employees to have desk buddies. Dewey reminds his father that he doesn’t know him very well. Informing him that unless he hasn’t noticed, his childhood sucks. Now his father has the opportunity to make it suck a little less by getting him a piano. Hal stands his ground and tells Dewey he’ll just have to find some other way to amuse himself. Hal’s words give Dewey an idea as he shoves the TV remote into his shirt before leaving the room. As Hal returns to the couch he wonders where the remote went.
At the Grotto, Otto doesn’t understand since he told all the guests about hosting a “Hayride for Lovers” on Friday night and no one signed up. Francis brings up the point that most of the couples have kids who they can’t just abandon to go on a couples only hayride. Otto then sees a solution and they should open a childcare center; Francis is skeptical but before he can express his concern Otto cuts him off and says how they will have posture contests, and he can show them slides from his childhood in post-war Germany. Francis tells Otto that as great of an idea it is he wouldn’t set his heart on it if he were him since most of the guests came to the ranch to spend time with their families and aren’t going to just dump their children at the first chance they get. Much to Francis’ surprise the exact opposite happens and the sign-up sheet is filled, and an additional sheet is added for more participants and one man even asks if they can leave the kids overnight.
At school, Christie approaches Reese who is talking on the school’s pay phone asking if a delivery will be on time since he’s got a lot of hungry customers. He hangs up and greets Christie asking if she’s ready and how she’ll find herself to be pleasantly surprised by how much ice cream he can eat. Christie tells Reese that they got coffee, saw a movie and went skating together, she thought that dating him would involve a bit more partying. She asks if he has a friend or someone he knows of or heard rumors about help them out. Reese states that he needs to trust someone before he parties with them, Christie asks if he trusts her, but he says he doesn’t yet but knows that there must be some way a hot girl like her can get a desperate guy like him to trust her and suggests that they go to park down by the river to think of something. Christie reluctantly agrees.
At the college dorm, Lois hopes that Malcolm wasn’t hunched over during his orientation interview and asks why he didn’t bring up his extracurricular activities. Malcolm wonders how she even knows what he said and asks if she had her ear pressed up against the door. She says he should be a little less concerned about what she did and more concerned about his own performance and how next time he should say bless you when the interviewer sneezes since they’re looking for any excuse not to like him. They arrive at his dorm room, and Malcolm lists off that Lois has walked him to his room, chose his lunch and tucked in his shirt in the middle of his orientation and asks if she can leave now. Lois asks why he’s in such a hurry to get rid of her. He answers with his supposed to be doing college on his own. She’s as she’s just there to make sure he does it on his own the right way much to his annoyance. They enter the room and is greeted by a girl named Paula who introduces him to Andrea and Scott and how the four of them are going to be roommates tonight. Before Malcolm can integrate himself, Lois interjects that it is a co-ed dorm room and Paula says it’ll be just like really being in college. Lois is offput by the situation and sets up a bed of her own to supervise them for the night so that way they can all have the same version of what happened that night. Paula, Andrea and Scott are all dismayed by Lois inviting herself to join them and Malcolm is utterly mortified.
On the phone with Lois, Hal finds out that Lois chose to camp out in the room and how he would’ve done the same thing. He asks her if she took the oven timer and can’t understand and tells her about how all week their belongings are disappearing from right under his nose and how it’s not even anything worth stealing. Behind him, Dewey takes the vacuum away. Hal claims it’s as if someone is deliberately trying to make him crazy on purpose. After hanging up the phone he turns around to see the vacuum has disappeared and when he turns back around so has the phone as well. Hal is left stuttering and staring at Jamie in disbelief.
Back at the Grotto, Otto and Francis have set up a childcare to supervise the children of the guests. A little boy named Billy asks Otto for some more lemonade. Otto commends Billy for his politeness and refills his cup and gives him a sewing kit and a small bottle of moisturizer as a bonus. Francis comes in and informs Otto that none of the parents showed up for the hayride. Otto informs him all their kids are at the daycare. Francis finds it weird since no one answered their phones he went to all of their rooms, and they all had “Do Not Disturb” signs on their doors. Upon realizing that the parents all signed up for the hayride as an excuse to utilize the daycare service to get their children out of their rooms so they can have sex uninterrupted, Francis decides that he had better get a pep talk ready for housekeeping the next morning.
At the dorm, Malcolm comes out of the bathroom to find Lois folding his underwear she states that wrinkled clothes are the sign of a disorganized mind. Paula tells Andrea about her tour of the Plaza de España in Barcelona and how people often mispronounce the name. Lois finds it interesting, and Andrea wishes that she was more interesting. Scott asks Lois if it would sound pretentious to use the word legerdemain in a conversation with the dean, upon believing it would be he says what a lackwit he is. Lois tells him to relax, and that college is the one place people are allowed to be pretentious. Andrea is intrigued and asks if when she gets to college, she could call herself Antigone.
Malcolm answers a knock at the door and meets Leland, the college dorm's strict and power-hungry resident advisor, who informs them that they’re going to have to keep the music down. Malcolm questions if it’s really that loud, Leland states that he can either be his best friend or his worst nightmare and demands them to turn the music down. Lois comes over asking if there’s a problem and Leland asks her who she is and what she’s doing there. Lois informs him that she’s supervising the kids and voices her disbelief at the co-ed dorm room and that she can’t believe that the school condones them. Leland says it’s not why he’s there and that their radio is at least five DB’s above the approved noise level and would hate to have to confiscate it or move onto more serious consequences. Lois tells Leland that she’s been to college, and she knows exactly how much power and authority and RA holds. She bids him good night and slams the door in his face impressing the other roommates. Andrea tells Malcolm that his mom is awesome, and Paula says she is so glad that he brought her to Malcolm‘s further dismay.
Back at the backyard, Dewey shows Jamie all the stuff he’s collected including the horn from Hal’s van and Lois’s car and one from the ice cream truck. He then starts prying the spout of the gutter off the house. He tells her that he spoke with Mrs. Hiddleman down the block, and she said Dewey can use her piano. Dewey thanks him, but says he found something else to amuse himself. Hal commends him and one ask him if he seen his hairdryer since it as if all his stuff is getting up and walking off, unless someone is messing with him. Dewey thinks he’s figured it out and that someone is sneaking into the house and stealing stuff, probably punks. Hal assures him they’re not punks, just good kids who got lost along the way and either way they are going down. As he heads back inside as Dewey proceeds to take the spout down.
As Lois tells a joke to his fellow roommates, Malcolm exits the room and says how his mom has allowed him to walk all the way to the vending machine and back without tying a string to his waist. Upon arriving he finds that the vending machines have been locked. Leland comes out of his room and tells him that the moment is almost as sweet as the candy he can’t have. Malcolm sarcastically says he can’t believe he’s been denied candy and if he were 12 years younger, he would cry. Lois comes out much to Malcolm’s further embarrassment and Leland tells her the snack bar is closed. Malcolm tells her it’s no big deal and he’ll just go down to the next floor, Leland says that use of the vending machine is a privilege, not a right. Lois argues back that if her son wants a candy bar, he can have one and Leland doesn’t get to decide for him, she does. Leland says since he’s the one who holds the key to the lock, he thinks he gets to decide before slamming his door in her face. Lois grabs Malcolm and tells him this isn’t over yet as they walk back to their room, Malcolm is so humiliated he asks why his mom doesn’t just put him in a diaper, Lois says first things first they are going to get him that candy.
Meanwhile, Reese and Christie sit in her car as she discusses how her parents drive her crazy and how sometimes she just needs to ditch reality and escape. She asks Reese if he understands. But now that they’ve gotten so close, he realizes that he really likes her, and he can’t keep up his charade anymore. Reese confesses that he’s not the person she thinks he is and how he’s been pretending since the day they met. He tells her how hard it is to cover his tracks and keep his stories straight, but he doesn’t want to live a lie anymore. Christie tells Reese she thinks she knows his secret, but Reese claims she doesn't know, and it no longer matters because he’s done with it. He apologizes before getting out of the car and starts walking home. Christie whispers into a hidden microphone in her sweater, revealing that she was an undercover cop the whole time. She assumes that Reese is going straight so if they’re going to bust him in the act, they’d better do it now.
Back at the dorm, Lois tells the story about what happened in the hallway with Leland, and they can’t let him get away with it. Andrea claims that she hated Leland first, Paula said it would never happen in Barcelona and wonders why Americans are so immature. Scott suggests that she write him an angry note or a missive after he gets accepted. Lois assures Scott that he’ll face jerks and tyrants like Leland all his life and the sooner he learns how to deal with them, the better. She then reassures them all that no one’s chances of getting into the school are going to be affected and he is going to hand over the key one way or another. Lois knows that there are plenty of ways to force people to do what you want such as: finding incriminating evidence in their rooms, getting dirt from a bitter ex, or make a blanket accusation with absolute conviction and just wait for them to blurt out something. Malcolm interjects, reminding his mom that she uses that trick on him all the time. She informed him that that’s a different thing entirely and rallies the roommates together to get Malcolm his candy. As they excitedly leave the room to give Leland a piece of their mind, Malcolm guesses that he’ll just be cool and popular after college.
Back at the house, Dewey takes the bar from his mother's closet, when he hears Hal call him, he opens the side doors and tells his dad that he just saw someone sneak out with his mom’s robe. Hal commends him and runs after them while Dewey retrieves the bar.
At the Grotto, Francis returns to the daycare to find the door locked. After knocking, Otto tells him that everything is fine and there’s nothing in there but children, enjoying themselves dancing and skipping like young lambs and to come again soon. Francis informs Otto that he brought DVDs for the kids and to let him in. Otto comes out telling him they have a slight problem, he explains how he wanted everything to be special for the children so he went to the store and got cookies for them, and he also bought three cases of hard lemonade. Francis informs him that hard lemonade has alcohol in it, with Otto emphasizing the problem. They enter and see the kids acting crazy as a girl sings the “SpongeBob SquarePants” song on a table, Billy yells at a girl that he doesn’t have to use his indoor voice, and she should use hers. Two other boys drunkenly discuss having a play date. Francis is appalled and Otto expresses his grief that the parents entrusted him with their children, and he poisoned them and that he’s a monster. Francis assures him he made an honest mistake but everything’s going to be okay since as long as the kids stay in the daycare, they’ll be safe, until one boy runs out of the room naked screaming that he’s an invisible robot and the rules don’t apply to him.
At the dorms, Lois knocks on Leland’s door and as he answers he believes that it’s a little early for Christmas carolers. Lois believes that they got off on the wrong foot earlier and obviously his position as a resident advisor is very important to him and who knows where he could find another position that demands such respect and power. She claims it’d be a shame if he got fired and had to go home where his older brother and sister get all the attention he deserves, and questions if he’s truly willing to risk that for a 75-cent candy bar. As Malcolm watches from the doorway Leland says how she really has him pegged. Except that she forgot that the lower the stakes, the greater the thrill from the arbitrary exercise of power and if it was a one cent candy bar, he’d be on the moon. He tells Lois that he happens to be a control freak and if she gets him fired, he’ll just find another job where he can be a control freak and how Kinko’s is looking for a night manager. Leland states that on the other hand, he’s already written negative evaluation emails for Paula, Scott and Andrea to the office of admissions, and all he has to do is hit send. Upon hearing this, the three of them immediately turn against Lois as Scott confesses that she overloaded a wall socket too as they run back to the dorm room with Paula stating that they’re just like the bulls in Pamplona.
After they’ve gone, Leland decides to roast Lois and states how any freshman psych major can see that life didn’t pan out the way she thought it would, so now to compensate for it she has to run her kids' lives. From afar, Malcolm says he is unsure who to root for. Leland tells Lois that the simple truth about her is that she’s too afraid to let go of the one thing in her life that may be a success, but she doesn’t have to take his word for it. He can ask the other mothers there and see what they think. He then sarcastically reminds her that there are no other mothers here and her meddling has just cost the entire floor their electricity privileges before slamming the door in her face as the lights go out.
Malcolm walks over to check on his mom, as Lois states she can’t do it anymore. She says she wanted to help him and take care of things for him, but she now realizes that she’s simply not up to it. She now understands that Malcolm needs to handle college on his own and the time has come for her to step aside and let him handle his problems independently and knows he can do it by himself. Malcolm says that unless he missed the sarcasm, he believes her words were true and he’s been given permission to run his own life: or at least get his own candy bar. But now he realizes that he wants that candy bar more than he wants his next breath, and he’s got a plan: he furiously kicks in Leland’s door, shocking Lois. Unfortunately, his foot becomes stuck in the door, and as Leland opens it he informs them that their madrigal group is having a sing-off against another group called Jazzmatazz tomorrow and that they should check it out before they leave.
Back at the house, Hal brings Jamie into the kitchen and tells him that his new plan to install a wireless infrared home security system should put a stop to all the stealing since his father is a reasonable man, but sometimes even he can be pushed too far and how unwise it is to poke a bear. Immediately after he plugs it in a squadron of police officers enter the house and announce that they have a warrant to search the premises for suspected possession of narcotics. As Hal shockingly tries to explain he is knocked to the floor as Christie enters and informs Hal to remain calm and they’ll get through things as quickly as possible. Hal recognizes her and questions if she played Annie Oakley in the school play, Christie confirms she was but admits she wasn’t very good. Hal is accidentally arrested.
As the cops go out to inspect the garage and opening the garage door, they witness Dewey's performing the Can Can dance after making a homemade organ from all the household objects he collected. As Hal is escorted out of the house he sees where all his stuff disappeared to and that it was Dewey the whole time, all the cops are impressed by Dewey’s creativity. Reese arrives in the backyard and is shocked that the entire time Christie was just using him just to get to his dad. He then expresses his frustration at Hal for selling drugs for so long and never buying them a DVD player. He tells Christie to take him away as he heads inside.
Back at the Grotto, as a doctor checks on Billy, he drunkenly tells him what a valuable service he provides while all he does is play kickball. The doctor states that the kids will have spectacular headaches but otherwise they’ll recover. Otto thanks the doctor who agrees to keep the ordeal a secret providing Otto stays quiet about the keys he left inside his gallbladder. Francis wonders what they’re going to do about the parents when Billy’s parents enter the room who after their night of passion are too focused on each other to pay attention to Billy’s condition. Billy’s mother states it’s time to return to their room with his wonderful father. Billy’s father thanks Otto and Francis for saving their marriage since he was starting to forget his wife was even a woman before telling Billy to come along. Having a hangover from the previous night, a queasy Billy asks his dad if he could turn down the volume of his voice.
At the university, Malcolm is carried out by the paramedics still stuck in Leland’s door and it wasn’t a total loss since when the paramedics took the door off its hinges, they discovered Leland had a contraband hot plate and they all got to watch him unplug it and put it in the closet. As he is escorted into the elevator, Lois comes along and tells Malcolm it’s a good thing this was just their safety school and once he gets to Yale, she’ll be much more on top of things.
Cast[]
- Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
- Bryan Cranston as Hal
- Jane Kaczmarek as Lois
- Eric Per Sullivan as Dewey
- Justin Berfield as Reese
Guest Stars[]
- Jonathan Palmer as Piano Salesman
- Stephanie Lemelin as Christie
- Monique Coleman as Andrea
- Jamie Renée Smith as Paula
- Daniel Farber as Scott
- Andrew Reville as Leland
Cameos[]
- David Christian Welborn as Himself
Trivia[]
- Leland was supposed to be a recurring character and fight with Lois more. He was planned to be her boss at Lucky Aide after Malcolm quits his job there and gets a new one helping Stevie with his new machine.
- At the Grotto childcare, one of the girls sings the “SpongeBob SquarePants” theme song.
- Additionally, Finding Nemo is playing on the TV.
- Andrea is portrayed by Monique Coleman who would later go on to star as Taylor McKessie in the “High School Musical” franchise.