No Motorcycles is the sixteenth episode of Season 6 and the 123rd episode overall of Malcolm in the Middle. It aired on April 3, 2005.


It's Francis' 21st birthday and Hal made a promise to take him on a motorcycle ride on that day, which Lois strictly forbids. Malcolm, Dewey, and Reese are afraid to leave their house because a bully is waiting outside for them. Piama isn't getting any respect from Lois.


Early on a Saturday morning, Francis and Piama arrive at the house, to celebrate Francis' upcoming 21st birthday the next day, Piama brings a salad even after being instructed not to bring anything, Lois is fine and merely brings the salad into the kitchen to rewash it. Francis reminds Hal of the promise he had made to be on his 21st birthday. In a flashback, 9-year-old Francis is upset as Hal missed his school play of "Peter Pan" after seeing him leave in the costume. Grief-stricken Hal resolves to give Francis anything he wanted, he wishes to go on a motorcycle trip with his father, like Hal had talked about before. Hal is unsure, and reminds Francis it was back when he was in college and how Lois hates motorcycles. Francis persists and Hal agrees to go on his 21st birthday, he wonders how he can get Lois to let him, Hal solemnly swears in blood that he and Francis will go on a motorcycle trip on the day he turns 21.

Meanwhile, Malcolm, Reese and Dewey are organizing their money for Francis' birthday present, they decide to give him the $9 they have between them for a gift. Lois tells the boys that a friend of theirs is outside wanting to play ball, having a bat in his hand. Malcolm asks who, she responds Randy and leaves proud that the boys could make good friends with the right attitude, they now recognize Randy Zane a large student from school who has a violent history. They see he is angry at them and Malcolm accuses Reese, claiming he must've superglued Randy's bike to the train tracks, Reese retaliates with Malcolm firing dog feces in a slingshot and states he must've hit Randy, Malcolm then accuses Dewey, claiming he must have sold Randy some of his "algebra pills". Dewey states it would be easier to figure the culprit out if they didn't all do bad stuff at the same time, Reese had suggested a rotating calendar to resolve it, but neither of them listened. They resolve to stay inside and wait until Randy goes home, when nightfall comes Randy is still outside, Reese thinks he grew, and Dewey wonders why he is smoking two cigarettes, only to realize that they are his eyes.

That night in Hal and Lois' bedroom, Hal attempts to calmly talk Lois into letting him and Francis using motorcycles without having to hide it, but this fails as Lois bursts into a fury as soon as he mentions it, much to his fear.

The next day, while folding laundry, Hal discusses with Francis they will leave right after dinner after everyone else has fallen asleep to avoid suspicion, Piama then announces Francis' birthday dinner will be at 7, Hal continues saying that the motorcycles will be at a nearby gas station waiting for them.

The boys, observe Randy is still waiting outside for them, when Dewey decides enough is enough, ignoring his big brothers warnings he goes outside and Randy beats him senseless as Malcolm and Reese look on in horror, with Reese acknowledging that for a little guy, Dewey can really take a hit. Dewey comes inside beaten and bruised, hiding his face from the women hanging a banner with a book. When he gets back in the room he admits that it was a harsh beating and he no longer needs to be afraid of Randy anymore. His brothers probe him with questions and he responds with he wasn't who Randy was looking for, and had beaten him up merely as a warm-up, and Randy told him to send out his brother but didn't specify and he will be receiving a large sum of tooth fairy money for Randy knocking out at least half a dozen of his teeth.


Malcolm: Francis and Piama are spending the weekend for Francis' birthday. He's turning 21 tomorrow. I haven't seen dad this excited, since he thought Francis turned 21 last year.

Dewey: God, he looks mad. Which one of us do you think he wants?
Malcolm: Reese, it's obviously you. That must have been his bike that you super-glued to the train tracks.
Reese: We don't know that. You were pretty fast and loose with that dog-crap slingshot the other day. How do you know you didn't hit him?
Malcolm: [to Dewey] What about you? How many people did you convince to buy your algebra pills?
Dewey: You know, our lives would be a lot easier if we didn't pull this crap at the same time.
Reese: I suggested a rotating calendar years ago, and you guys ignored me.

Dewey: Why is he smoking two cigarettes?
Reese: Those are his eyes.

Dewey: Wow, those are cool.
Hal: Listen, do not say a word about this. If you just stay quiet, I promise when you turn 21, I will take you on a trip with me on a rocket ship. A rocket ship, Dewey. I swear on my life. I swear on everything that is sacred, as God as my witness.
Dewey: Ow.
Hal: Oooh, how did you ... I don't care!

Piama: Oh, look at this. You got Francis a watch. That was so nice of you.
[Piama breaks the watch]
Lois: This is a rare promotional Doobie Brothers EP. Oh, Hal almost cried when he found this at a yard sale.
[Lois smashes the record]
Piama: It still doesn't seem like enough.
Lois: Oh, honey, this is just how we get the creative juices flowing. It's tough. You have to make your husband miserable, but I have to make mine miserable and make it a warning to the other three boys in the house.
Piama: Do men ever think about what's gonna happen when they do these stupid things?
Lois: No, that's what's weird about men. They never do. I guarantee you, these two won't even think about the consequences of their actions until five minutes before they come home.
Piama: So, no matter how low I set the bar, he'll still find a way to crawl under it?
Lois: You still think there's a bar. That's so cute.

Francis: Oh, this mud feels so fantastic, doesn't it? So soothing. I don't even care about the thousands of people that left their pubes in here.

Randy: No, not him. Where's the red haired brother?
Malcolm: There is no red haired brother. This is it.
Randy: Shoot. I have the wrong house. Where's the house with the assbag who works with handicapped kids?


  • The title of this episode is also a quote that was repeated many times by Dewey's teacher to David Hanson in the episode Dewey's Special Class.
  • Hal says that he and Lois were married for 20 year, much to the confusion of Francis, who is 21 years old. He has the right to be confused because according to other episodes, such as Flashback, he was born on their wedding day.
  • Lois and Piama begin to bond more in this episode. The reason for this is because they were both ditched by their husbands.
  • It is revealed that Francis has a drinking problem and turns to Alcoholics Anonymous for help. However, he is just turning 21 in this episode, the legal drinking age in the U.S.
    • In the episode A.A, it's revealed that his "drinking problem" was a completely made up story.
  • Lois says that Hal and Francis won't even think about the consequences until five minutes before they come home. This turns out to be dead on, as they begin to panic right when it is time for them to return.
  • Malcolm mentioned a movie, where Freddy Krueger teamed up with Jason Voorhees. This movie was Freddy vs. Jason.
  • The book Hal was reading was Chicken Soup for the Soul by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen. Its popularity has created many spinoff books for all different kinds of people.