Stilts is the 20th episode of Season 6 and the 127th episode overall in Malcolm in the Middle.
Plot[]
In the opening scene, Lois finds a pornographic magazine in Reese's dresser while doing laundry. She then takes Polaroid pictures of herself and glues her face in place of all the girls in the magazine. Later in the kitchen with a cup of tea she hears Reese gagging in disgust in the other room. Lois states now two of her sons have been taught a lesson about reading porn, and there are only three more to go with Malcolm, Dewey, and Jamie.
The episode begins with Hal coming into the bedroom and announcing that while he is paying their bills he was suddenly slapped in the face with a charge for 45 dollars and after an hour found Lois' rat hole behind the refrigerator and found a pair of fancy shoes. Hal reminds her that they are poor and thought they had an understanding. Lois apologizes and says they aren’t real Christian Laboutine shoes, just cheap knock-offs and she just was going to try them on, but upon seeing how elegant and glamorous they looked in the mirror she got them because she only wanted to feel pretty. Hal isn't impressed, claiming he invented that act. Going back into the kitchen he claims that although his family members say they’ll economize he’s the only one trying to save them money by rinsing out plastic baggies, splitting two-ply toilet paper and snacking out of bird feeders. Hal is again looking at their bills and notices their phone bill, which has a 18 dollar charge for a 900 number. After calling the number back to see what it was, he finds out it's a sex line. He tells off the woman on the line that children call these numbers and to put some clothes on, but he doesn't hang up the phone receiver properly and the call continues all throughout the night until he notices it the next morning and hangs up the phone again.
The next day Malcolm and Dewey come in after a game of street hockey and Dewey highlights Malcolm making a slap shot that hit another player in the mouth. Reese tells them he was at the local university checking out trees near sorority houses where he was offered a job testing experimental drugs. Malcolm says this kind of job is for people on death row, and Reese says that he is skipping that part. Shortly after, Dewey goes into the bathroom and sees Jamie and thinks that he has located the "stash" as he's holding a pearl necklace (before leaving for military school Francis hid most of Lois' valuable items in a secret hiding spot and they haven't been found since). He tries to keep it between the two of them but upon whispering "stash" quietly Malcolm and Reese barge in telling him that they do not discuss the stash unless they find it, and if they find it the brothers split their mother’s reward for finding it between the three of them.
That day Malcolm and Lois head off to the Lucky Aide with Malcolm claiming the less he wears his uniform the more he can pretend he doesn't work at a soul-killing job and that he doesn’t enjoy stocking wart cream, and telling 80 year olds which diapers leak the least. Lois then uses his voice to thank her for getting him a job so he doesn't have to be a bum on the street and offers to open the door for her after everything she sacrificed for him. Lois tells Malcolm he should stop being so pretentious and if a job is worth doing, it's worth doing right and she’d rather he was the best toilet scrubber in the world than a slap-dash Supreme Court justice and that working at Lucky Aide can be fun. Their conversation gains the attention of Sam, an employee of Lucky Aide who walks on stilts in the parking lot dressed as Uncle Sam to announce specials offered at the store and hasn't been sober ever since he started. Sam tells Malcolm to listen to his mother because she is a beautiful, foxy lady.
Reese goes to many different doctors who ask him if he's on any other medication, to which he responds "of course not" and has many pills to take to earn his money.
Back at the house, Hal calls the billing company and informs them that they cannot charge him 800 dollars for a phone call that he never agreed to in the first place and how unethical it is. The woman on the line reveals that she’s been bad and needs to be punished as Hal realizes it’s the same phone sex line and that he doesn’t wanna do anything to her. She claims he can do whatever he wants because he’s the one paying for the call. Upon hearing this he immediately hangs up the phone.
Craig runs up to Malcolm informing him that Sam was fired after vomiting into the boss' El Dorado. Malcolm isn't surprised due to Sam coming to work at the store drunk for the past 20 years. Craig says it’s bad for him since Sam was his canary to take the blame for infractions and now that he’s gone they’re going to start paying more attention to him and be harsher to him when he screws up. Lois comes up and informs Malcolm he'll be replacing Sam, and it pays slightly more and he gets to wave to all his friends much to his horror.
Meanwhile, Reese informs Dewey that drug testing seems to be going well for him, aside from the fact that to claim his $2,500 he must swallow a large amount of pills per day, such as calonil, fragacet, and suppositories (which he claims tastes the worst, unaware they are supposed to be inserted into his rectum) but he says he can get away with it from sneaking Jamie's urine into a cup. Whilst Dewey sees Jamie with more items from the stash, he tells Jamie to take him to it, he leads him to Lois’ underwear drawer where he begins rifling for it to find the false bottom where the stash is hidden. However they are caught red handed by Lois and Dewey sees that Jamie was just setting him up.
Malcolm accompanies Craig to take back the suit from Sam at his apartment but he tells Craig he already feels bad enough taking Sam’s job and his stilts. Craig informs him that the stilts are company property and it’s their responsibility to get them back and it’s nothing personal. Sam begs Malcolm to let him keep it, informing Malcolm he has no family or friends, and his job is the only thing left in his life, even agreeing to kiss Malcolm’s ass and pretend it’s ice cream. Malcolm feels sorry for Sam, but knows it isn't his decision to make, despite desperately crying, Sam is left alone.
Malcolm is unsatisfied with his new job claiming that an incident he had two years prior being thrown out of a locker room completely naked was a moment of pride and quiet dignity compared to this. Lois comes out and asks if Malcolm has announced the Lucky Aide specials. Malcolm states no one would care, Lois offers to get on a ladder and do it with him. He then starts singing, Lois states it is fun when he gets into it. A few girls from Malcolm's school come out of the store and snap a picture of him. Malcolm is mortified, claiming he would kill himself, except they would run that picture through the paper. Craig comes out and wonders where is the stopper for Malcolm's pee hose leaving Malcolm mortified once again.
Malcolm comes back to his room and Reese tells him about the benefit of taking experimental drugs. Reese then asks his brother to write down some answers on a survey of the drugs which he is unable to do since his hand no longer writes what he tells it to. Malcolm asks if Reese is lactating, Reese states it only comes out in little sticky bubbles, then he goes into the bathroom to shave his feet, again.
The next day, Dewey calls out for Jamie since he was supposed to let him follow him to the stash. Upon finding Jamie with another piece of jewelry. Dewey questions if Jamie is aware of how much finding the stash means to him. Upon seeing him grinning he knows Jamie will want something of his own. Jamie pulls out a magazine clipping from his pocket wanting a stick pony, Dewey agrees but wants the stash first. Ultimately Jamie gets what he wants after Dewey gives in and lets them go get the pony first. Hal comes in and asks Dewey if he knows anything his mom is hiding explaining how he did something bad and is desperate to find some dirt on Lois so it will trump what he did so he can confess and it won’t seem like such a big deal. Dewey mentions the word stash which Hal is aware of too and if he found it they can cut everyone else out, but he tells his dad that he hasn't found the stash. Hal asks if Lois is having an affair as it would be so horrible his accidental phone sex call would be forgiven easily, but Dewey knows Lois loves him. Hal knows that since he screwed up so badly the only solution is to get Lois an expensive gift to cushion the blow. He tells Dewey to never get married and if he wants children, he can get his eggs from the state.
Later, Lois pulls Malcolm from a game of street hockey after finding job listings in his backpack, Malcolm tries to explain, but Lois doesn’t want to hear it. She says he cannot get a job without her supervision, and the family already has too much invested in him. Malcolm looks annoyed but she tells him to cheer up and once she finds a proper wife for him, he can have his precious space.
Hal remembers his conversation with Lois at the beginning of the episode and decides enough is enough. He calls a store to purchase Lois a pair of real Christian Laboutine shoes, and despite learning of the unbelievable expensive price, he agrees.
Reese calls Francis feeling depressed knowing he did something bad after overdosing on the drugs (he stole a police horse named Sundance). Francis asks what drugs Reese took, and he answers "all of them." Francis reminds him when his friends babysat them and how Richie tried to dry him off in the oven. He tells Reese he’s going to be okay and decides to give Reese his advice but before he can give it, the cord on the phone snaps and whips Sundance, causing her to gallop away with Reese still riding on her.
Dewey gets his little brother his pony and reminds Jamie to keep his end of their deal. Jamie leads Dewey outside and crawls through a hole in the fence into the window of their next door neighbour's home, before crawling back with a wad of cash. Dewey now sees that Jamie didn’t find the stash and was just stealing valuable items from the neighbours house. Jamie comes back, but Dewey tells him how dangerous it was and soon enough they are both caught by the neighbour who has a policeman with him claiming that they've been stealing from him all week, and how every few years they have another baby just so they could fit through the window.
Hal shows up at the Lucky Aide and presents Lois the shoes she wanted. She asks if he’s crazy, but he claims that if loving his wife makes him crazy then he’s a drooling lunatic. At first she is touched, until Hal reveals he accidentally spent $800 on phone sex. Lois retaliates by telling Hal that once when she was doing her makeup in the cars rearview mirror she ran over his golf clubs. Hal reveals he burned a hole in Lois's favourite dress, Lois says he didn't get a promotion because she called his boss a fat ass at their last Christmas party. Hal tells her he lost his wedding ring three years ago and the ring he’s wearing now was originally part of a lawnmower. Lois reveals Hal's Aunt Lucy isn't mad at him, she's dead and Lois just forgot to tell him, It quickly escalates to a stand off.
Malcolm gets on his stilts again with the help of Craig who informs him that the Chinese invented stilts to survive among pandas but only until the great wall went up and afterwards only the emperor was allowed to walk on them. Malcolm says that he had to go through the want ads behind Lois' back but finally found another job until he sees that Sam is on stilts wearing a makeshift Uncle Sam costume, furious at Malcolm for stealing his life. Malcolm states that Sam's presence explains the fifty foot high cloud of bourbon he was smelling. He tells Sam he was going to call him, before Sam punches Malcolm, Craig runs to get help, but instead gets a toy airplane, which is some assembly required and batteries not included. Sam kicks a can used for a cigarette ashtray at Malcolm’s head causing him to run away across the parking lot. Malcolm throws eggs in a bird nest at Sam which causes him to fall and one of Sam's stilts to kick Malcolm in the groin, Malcolm attempts to fight back by grabbing Sam's stilt when he kicks him, but is kicked by the other by split-second timing by Sam. Malcolm knows Sam is too good and he could never out stilt him, he then sees some shopping carts and knows he can't out stilt him, but he could out skate him. Sam finds a barbecue utensil to use as a weapon but drops it so he can salute an American flag being carried by some customers. The husband claims that now that her brother got the funeral he wanted they can return the flag and get their 15 dollars back. After they leave he shifts his focus back towards Malcolm who gets in the carts and finally thinks he has the upper hand, until the carts move in opposite directions and cause Malcolm to do the splits in an excruciatingly painful way. Screaming in agony, he says it hurts much worse then it looks. Craig's plane only flies into Malcolm's hat, Sam tells Malcolm that he's a "Yankee Doodle dead man" as he prepares to deliver the final blow. Malcolm isn't surprised, figuring he'd always knew he'd die this way. Before Sam can finish him off, Malcolm prays to God that he has had his fun and he'll settle for the lamest, most pathetic miracle he has lying around. Just then Reese riding the horse runs by and knocks over Sam, and Sam's stilt gets caught in the stirrup dragging him off. Malcolm is shocked, but is grateful.
Back inside the store Lois and Hal's argument has escalated to the extreme, with Hal admitting he purposely dropped a bowling ball on Lois' foot so she couldn't go to her high school reunion, and Lois saying she's two years older than Hal thinks and believes that they’re officially reaching a point that neither one of them wants to get to. Hal questions what to do since he’s so full of rage as the officer from earlier arrives with Dewey and Jamie in tow, Hal and Lois angrily berate the younger boys for making trouble again. The officer tells Hal to calm down, but Hal stands his ground and tells him to mind his own business since they don’t need him to tell them how to discipline their children. Reese then rides into the store and happily calls to his parents that the drugs are wearing off, the officer recognizes Sundance the horse and calls to her. Reese jumps off the horse joyfully and lands in a pill display. Malcolm, crawls into the store where he finds Sam, he tells him to listen as he has found Sam a new job at the circus and that the job listings in his backpack were for him. Sam is intrigued about a job at the circus until he discovers it's in an office cubicle where he can no longer drink on the job, and the ringmaster yells at him for depreciating an elephant over two years for tax purposes and demands that he redo his work by the end of the night.
The next day at breakfast, Hal is talking to Reese on the phone. He is in detox and thinks he can blackmail his roommate, a lawyer, into defending his felony charges for stealing the police horse. Malcolm states the medical term for his leg splits in the parking lot is "holy crap! come look at this!" and if he ever has to give birth it'll be really easy. Dewey calls from the bathroom saying the toilet is backed up, and Lois happily says she'll take care of it after grabbing a plunger. Her good mood is explained by her new fancy shoes, which she now feels pretty by wearing.
Cast[]
- Jane Kaczmarek as Lois
- Bryan Cranston as Hal
- Christopher Masterson as Francis
- Justin Berfield as Reese
- Erik Per Sullivan as Dewey
- Frankie Muniz as Malcolm
Guest Stars[]
Recurring[]
Cameos[]
- Timothy Stack as Sam
- Tina Gasbarra as Researcher
- Phil Abrams as Neighbor
- Michael Cutt as Cop
- Kevin Thompson as Ringmaster
- William Jackson as Old Man
Trivia[]
- The shot of the three boys at a much younger age during the flashback was taken from stock footage of the Season 1 episode, Smunday.
- During the fight between Malcolm and Sam, Malcolm states that he "can't out-stilt Sam, but can out-skate him". This may be a reference to the episode Rollerskates, where Malcolm learned how to skate.
- The location of the "stash" of Lois' jewelry is still unknown.
- Hal finally confesses to Lois that he was the one responsible for burning her dress in Red Dress.